Weight Loss Update

I did not realize it had been so long since I posted on this blog.  I just wanted to brag  give a little update on my weight loss.  A huge milestone happened yesterday, and I want to remember this date!  Ha!

Okay, so in early September I was getting very frustrated because every morning when I got dressed I was having to try 2 or 3 outfits on before I found one that fit.  Fit=not too big!  I mean it was exciting that most of my clothes were too big, but frustrating at the same time.  So, my mom came over one night and I tried on EVERY article of clothing in my closet.  EVERY article of clothing.  I felt like I had run a marathon!  Ha!  Seroiusly, t took about 4 hours.

It was nice to clean all of the "too big" clothes out, but left me frustrated with myself.  I had spent entirely too much money on clothes.  To get nice looking plus size clothes you almost have to shell out the big bucks.  I have done the full closet clean out one other time and gotten rid of everything that was too big.  It literally made me sick!  I don't mind getting rid of expensive clothes after they are worn out.  If I have gotten to wear them to death I don't mind at all!  BUT, getting rid of them when you can barely tell they have been worn is not okay.  It really makes me sad. 

So, I made a vow that day......no more expensive clothes until I am at my goal weight.  And, I have a ways to go so I won't be purchasing any clothing items over $20 or $30 for quite a while!  And that is possible now because I CAN SHOP AT ANY STORE!  You heard that right.  No more plus sizes for me!  I can walk into inexpensive stores and buy a $20 pair of pants off the rack.  I really can't believe it.

When I began my weight loss journey I wore a size 22.  And really I was pushing a size 24 I just couldn't make myself buy a 24.  And that is in shirts and pants.  And I am only 5 feet tall.  Not 5 foot something, just 5 foot. 

And yesterday I bought a size 14 jeans.  Yes, you read that right.  I BOUGHT A SIZE 14 JEANS!  I haven't worn a size 14 in anything since I was about 12 years old.  When I was a senior in high school, I went on a specialized diet where I had to see a doctor once a month and get monitored and take special vitamins.  It was basically a very low carb low sugar diet.  It was the only thing that had ever been successful for me (which makes since now because of my PCOS diagnosis) and I lost enough weight to wear some 14s, but I still wore a 16 in jeans.  

I truly was in shock!  The one pair of jeans that I still have after the great closet clean out of 2011 is a 16.  My mom had mentioned that she felt like they were getting a little big.  I didn't really think so.  So yesterday when I ran to a local store that was having a sale on jeans I naturally tried on a pair of 16s.  They were WAY too big.  I had to control myself from screaming to the sales lady to GO GET ME A 14!  Ha!  So needless to say, it was a very exciting time for me.

I also have another funny story.  I have always worn a size XL in t-shirts.  In high school, college, and now every time I order a t-shirt I order an XL.  (Except those few times I had to order a 2XL.)  So, we ordered new t-shirts at work a few weeks ago.  I ordered an XL.  When it came in I was so excited to try it on.  It is a long sleeve t-shirt.  The sleeves hung about 12 inches past my hands.  The shoulders were almost at my elbows, and the shirt hit me right below my knees.  Seriously.  I could have added a belt and worn the shirt as a dress.  I was a little disappointed that I had wasted money on these shirts that don't fit, but I was SUPER excited when I ordered a large, tried it on for the first time, and IT FIT!  Actually it is even a little big, but not enough to go down to a medium, yet.  A medium.  I NEVER thought I would come close to wearing a medium.  Whew.

I really wanted to call everyone I know and tell them!  Ha!  But I remember when I was having the HARDEST time losing weight.  Hearing someone else lost another clothing size was almost as hard as hearing someone else was pregnant.  It is very frustrating when someone else is losing weight and you are trying your hardest and it isn't going any where.  Or even if you aren't trying that hard but you really wish you could lose weight and it isn't happening for you.  One of the things that hurt my feelings like crazy is when someone else would lose weight and say "I can't wear thses clothes anymore because they are too big.  Do you want them?"  I know it is probably silly for me to be that way, but it bothered me.  

I really wanted to ask a friend of mine if she wanted to go thru my "too big expensive clothes" that I was getting rid of, but I did not want to hurt her feelings.  It was kind of crazy that it just came up in a conversation that she was having with another friend.  So, I just threw it out there and she was very excited to go shopping at my place.  Whew.  I am so glad that turned out well.  I know it may sound silly, but I loved those clothes and it makes me happy that she is going to get to wear some of them and not someone who won't appreciate or take care of them!  (Love you MA!)  

So anyway, there is the longest weight loss update yet!  I haven't weighed in a while, so I don't know numbers, but I will weigh soon so I can put down the exact pounds I have lost!    

Five Year-Old

Today was my due date.....five years ago.  It just seems impossible to me that I could have a 5 year-old today.  

I have to admit that my first thought when my OB's nurse told me my due date was "Really??? My poor kid's birthday is going to be the 5th anniversary of 9/11!"  Now, I would just like to have my child...whatever his/her birthday might be.

So every year on 9/11, not only do I think about that horrible attack on our country but I also think about my baby that I never met.  

All of the first day of school pictures this year really hit home.  I just kept thinking that next year, that could have been me posting those pictures.

Oh how my life would be different having a 5 year-old.

I often wonder if I would have a 5 year-old boy or a 5 year-old girl?  I wonder if I would be going to soccer games or dance classes?  

And my poor husband.  His birthday is 9/18.  He was going to get a baby for his birthday.  He rarely says anything, but I know he thinks about it every year.

I am sad tonight.  For some reason, more so than most other years.  Maybe because 5 is a milestone, but honestly I'm not really sure.  I just am.

For I know the plan I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Jeremiah 28:11   

Infertility Blogs

I usually don't do SUYL on Kelly's blog, but these blogs have helped me so much and through so much, I wanted to share.

These blogs are girls who are still battling infertility.  They need your support and prayers!!

In Their Journey:

http://www.dustyandamy.com/

http://sweetnessandme.blogspot.com/

http://walkwithmebyfaith.blogspot.com/

http://growingourowngarden.blogspot.com/

http://makingmemom.blogspot.com/

http://thepiferfamily.blogspot.com/

Those blogs are all wonderful have-to-reads!  You won't be sorry you decided to follow their journey!

This is my list of "Life after infertility" blogs.  I really find them encouraging!  Each one of these girls never forget what they have been through and that their are still many of us going through infertility!

Life After Infertility:

http://jennasjourneyblog.blogspot.com/

http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/

http://adamsfamilylr.blogspot.com/

http://stuartandsarahcreamer.blogspot.com/

http://immeasurablymoreblog.blogspot.com/

http://our-journey-to-parenthood.blogspot.com/

http://www.inthiswonderfullife.com/

 http://staffordmoments.blogspot.com/

http://heathercallen.blogspot.com/

http://bizzy-bs.blogspot.com/

http://mattandjuleeturner.blogspot.com/

http://thedavisfamilynwa.blogspot.com/

http://ourtemporaryhome.blogspot.com/

http://www.tingsmom.com/

http://laurenmcknight.blogspot.com/

http://johnandsamanthaglover.blogspot.com/

I find it encouraging that there are many more blogs listed under "Life After Infertility" than "In Their Journey!"  How about you??  I hope you guys enjoy reading as much as I do!!

Rae

The Car

Getting a new car is something I had wanted for a LONG time!  My husband and I purchased my 4 door family car on our 1st anniversary (almost 8 years ago).  Remember the list?? The *very naive* list of what had to be accomplished before we could start our family.  Purchasing vehicles that were "family friendly" was one of the first steps.  I had a T-Top Firebird (I loved that car!), but it was not suitable for car seats and strollers.

So, I traded it in for the 4 door family friendly car.  It wasn't really what I wanted, but it got great gas mileage, had lots of room, and just made sense.  Almost exactly a year later I found out I was pregnant.  Everything was working out just right.  I did not regret the car purchase one bit!

Well, if you have read this blog before, you all know how that turned out.  And 7 years later, the family friendly car was paid off.  (That was an awesome feeling!)  I planned on keeping the car for as long as it would possibly go.  No car payment=more money saved for IVF.  

Well, about 6 months after I made my last payment, I could tell the car was not going to make it much longer.  :(

Now, here is the kicker.  As soon as my car was paid off (it was running fine at the time) we borrowed money against it to pay off some *not so smart* credit card debt.  What would have taken 30 years if we kept making those payments would be gone in 2 years with the loan from the bank.  Seemed like an awesome idea......

And it was until the car decided to quit.  (As in transmission going out and fuel system biting the dust...more expensive to fix than the car was worth.)  And if you borrow money against something you cannot trade it or sell it.  Luckily my husband's truck would be paid off the next month.  So, I borrowed my husband's truck and my mom's car to get back and forth to work.  (I did not realize how much I took for granted having my own working vehicle!)

Luckily the bank let us trade the lean to my husband's newly paid off truck from my car so we could trade my car.  

Now to decide on what new vehicle I would get.  I had teased my husband that I WAS in fact getting a new Camaro Convertible. :)  Remember how much I loved my T-Top Firebird?!?  (If they came out with a new Firebird I would buy it TOMORROW!)  For many reasons that I will not mention here, we both decided that a G*M product would not be best for us.  

So, how about a Mustang??

A Red Mustang Convertible???

Why not!?!

I did get a lot of "how are kids going to fit in there?" comments.  (Because you know, that is kind of our goal and what we have been working on for over 5 years.)

But I decided I was not doing that anymore.

What is "that" you may ask??

"That" is making every decision based on fertility.  I do not regret any decision I've made or anything that we have given up trying so very hard to have a child.  But, I needed this!  My husband needed this, too!

Until I drove off the car lot in my new red mustang convertible I really did not realize how GREAT it would feel leaving that "family car" behind.  I didn't realize how much that car reminded me of my dream that still has not come true.  

My response to everyone who asked "what about kids?"  "A car seat will fit in the back seat of a mustang!"  Now, if/when we do get to live our dream of having children I have made sure that it will be possible (by getting an awesome deal on the mustang and only financing for a short time) to trade in the Mustang for a "family friendly" car if that is what we decide to do.

But for now, we are having a blast riding with the top down!

Please Pray...

For my Friend.  I met Lianna through blogging.  We read all of the same infertility blogs.  We began to form a closer friendship when it seemed like every other infertile that we read about was finally pregnant......but us.  She has offered me so much encouragement.  I am absolutely heart broken for her.  Please visit her blog here and offer her prayers.  Thanks!

Where Do We Fit?

I haven't totally forgotten about this blog.  My husband and I have been super busy with our recent move, purchase of a new car, and many out of town guests.  (A post on the new car coming soon.  Best. Decision. In. A. LONG. Time.)

And so the same question comes up again.......where do we fit in? 

Last night I went to a meeting at my church.  We have a new (wonderful) children's minister and she led an informative meeting.  I am pretty sure I have mentioned here before that I lead the preschool class on Wednesday nights.  Highlight of my week!  For real!  I don't know what I would do without those girls.  So, I went to the meeting hoping that there was some way I can help our churches ministry to children grow.  About half way through the meeting a few of the ladies said that they would not be able to teach a children's Sunday School class because they are teaching new adult classes.  I was all ears because we have not attended a Sunday school class yet, and I know what a blessing Sunday school classes can be.

One lady says she is going to be teaching a new young adult Sunday school class.  And she described it as college age up to about 25 or so.....":before they start having kids".  Then the next lady described the class she was going to be teaching as "the families in their 30s with young children."  I mean I totally get it.  If you want to grow the children's Sunday school program, you have to have a place where the parent's feel comfortable.  It is truly a great idea.

But, where do we fit in? 

I mean my husband and I are both over 30, and I don't want to be the oldest couple in a class with nothing but college kids.  But we don't have kids yet, and I don't know if a can handle being the only couple in our class without children.......which is how it would be. 

So, once again we just probably won't go. 

I really hate to be that way.  But for some reason I can handle being around the young children........but their parents is another story.  I enjoy the children and they truly make me forget that I have any worries.  But to listen to their parents tell cute stories when we don't have any to share, plan birthday parties that we won't be included in, set up play dates that we won't be attending for obvious reasons, discussions about child care centers that we don't have to worry about yet, or huge sales on children's clothes at Gymboree which is a place we never shop, I'm afraid I would lose it. 

I really hate to be this way.

Why does infertility affect so many areas of our lives?

It isn't just that I don't have a baby.  It is so much more.

So, where do we fit, or do we just not even try.

Infertility Resume Continued-2008

Okay, so this is another one of those times that I wish I had kept better documentation.  We took a break from fertility meds.  I remember talking to my OB about putting me on BC right after we stopped the treatments.  He asked me if I thought I could handle not being on BC and "trying on our own for a while."  Of course I said YES!  I remember being so excited that he thought it might happen.....we might get pregnant on our own.

Well, I remember it wasn't long and I started having crazy periods again.  First they were 40, then 50, then 60 days apart.  (Talk about getting your hopes up that you are pregnant!)  Then they started their every 14 days again.  So, I made an appointment to see him again.  He put me back on BC.  He tried Lybrel which is one of the BC's that you don't have a period on.  Well, we quickly found out that my body does NOT like those.  I remember spotting for a whole month.  Ugh.

So, he decided that I should stay on the BC and stop taking it for 5 days every time I spotted for more than one day in a row.  I don't remember why he didn't want to just change my BC, but there was a good reason.  It actually worked much better and I started feeling great after a few months!  My OB was wonderful!  I'm still so sad he moved!

The notes from our HRE (horrid re) state that I called on 3-4-08 to make an appointment to consult with our HRE to discuss starting treatments again.

Our appointment with HRE was on 4-7-08.  He decided to DC my BC, try letrozole2.5 mg x 5 days, and do a mid cycle scan.  This is the first time we discussed IUI.  It also says we discussed gonadotropins (injections) verses ovarian drilling, but I don't remember that at all.  I was probably very over whelmed, or we never actually discussed it.  I don't know.

I remember having to sign a consent to take letrozole because it was not an FDA approved fertility medicine.  I remember that it was a cancer medicine.  Anyway, it was kind of a last resort.  It is what they try on women that clomid and femara don't work on.  

I called on 4-25-08 to tell them I had started my cycle and the meds.  I scheduled my day 13 ultrasound for 5-7-08.

5-7-08--left ovary 24.6, 13.9.  right ovary 20.5.  Endo thickness-7.71.  (basically perfect.)  We decided against IUI, mainly because of the extra cost and my husband has no issues with his sperm.  The doctor couldn't tell me that it would make that much of a difference.

5-7-08--Had Ovidrel injection at 8 pm to try to get my ovary to release the egg.  My OB's wife/my boss gave me the injection.  I was still too scared to give myself a shot!  

5-9-08--had to call to find out if I was supposed to take progesterone this cycle.  By the way, I was supposed to already be taking it and no one told me.  ugh.  (I remember the break down that came with this.)

5-19-08--I started.  After an almost perfect cycle.

5-22-08--had day 3 ultrasound to see if I was cleared for next treatment.  In the notes, it states that my right ovary is in the normal position, and my left ovary is behind my uterus.  It is always like that.  It pretty much makes vaginal ultrasounds a little (okay a lot) uncomfortable.  It also makes me wonder if that is part of what is wrong.  A very tilted uterus and a left ovary behind my uterus.  Nothing is where it is supposed to be.  That can't be helpful in the whole pregnancy process.  And, just a side note:  I have had to help more than one person do a vaginal ultrasound on me find my ovary.  I know pretty much exactly where the wand should be to be able to see my left ovary.  Sounds crazy, but it is more comfortable than letting them look around.  Uncomfortable.

5-22-08--I had no large cysts!!  YAY!  I got to move right on to the next cycle.  Same protocol as last time, but we decided that if the HRE decided that the results from the meds were as good as the last time we would do IUI.  

5-29-08--Ultrasound says 11.9, 10.1, and 18.9 on left.  11.1 and 10.5 on right.  I remember being very disappointed.  I had lab drawn.  I keep forgetting to mention that, but every time I stepped into the HRE's office I had lab drawn.  Just a part of it.  Dr. B decided to do a follow up ultrasound in 2 days to see if the follicles had progressed.  He also explained IUI.

6-2-08--left ovary 10.1, 16, 12.9.  right ovary 13.  Endo thickness 7.66.  ugh.  

6-2-08--got lab results.  Was told to start OPK (ovulation predictor kit) as if I had a surge I was to call.  We decided to go ahead with IUI this cycle.  

Apparently I had no surge with my ovulation predictor kits.  We talked about it and decided not to do IUI this cycle because we wanted to save it for when we had better results.  

6-19-08--I started.  Again.

6-23-08--came in for day 3 ultrasound.  Small cysts on both ovaries, but decided to go ahead with treatment.  Decided to change protocol.  Femara 2.5 days 5-9.  Bravelle injections 75 units days 10-12.  Ultrasound day 13.  Decide when to do IUI on day 13.

I remember how scary doing those injections was for me.  I decided I couldn't ask my boss to give me injections everyday for 3 days so I was going to be a big girl and do it myself!  ha.  So I did.  I gave myself shots in my stomach.  It really was so easy and not bad at all!  

7-1-08--left ovary 12.1, 10.3.  right ovary 17.5.  endo thickness 8.33.  HRE decided 1 more day of bravelle injections then lab to determine when to do ovidrel and IUI.  

 I remember getting the phone call to give myself the ovidrel immediately and I was ready for IUI the next day!  so EXCITING!  I had to call my husband and ask him to bring my ovidrel to work.  I remember sitting in my bosses office to give myself that shot.  I shared an office with another girl, and she had a parent in our office!  ha.  

7-2-08 was my first IUI.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember that we waited FOREVER after my husband gave his sample.  I was afraid something was wrong.  There I was sitting in an exam room undressed from the waist down for over an hour!  Ugh!  This place had no regard for their patience's comfort.  I remember the IUI being pretty uncomplicated once it finally happened.  I remember laying on that hard table with my feet up in the air for 10 minutes afterwards.

It really wasn't painful at all right afterwards.  We came home and packed the camper to go to the lake.  We left a few hours later.  After we got there I was in so much pain!!  When I do ovulate it is pretty painful.  I was hoping that was why I was hurting.  

7-14-08--had negative pregnancy test.  ugh.

7-24-08--started my period.  We decided to take a break from treatments.  

The IUI was the last time that I walked into that office.  Fertility treatments are a very emotional process.  I believe that everyone working in a RE office should be respectful and realize what all of the couples coming in there are there for.  I believe that they should have sympathy.  I believe that fertility treatments are very touchy and costly and everyone should remember that.  I believe that when going through something so tough I should not be just a number.  I believe that before the doctor walks in the room that he should read my chart and at least know my name and what treatment protocol we have decided on.  I believe that I should be informed of what I should do next and what meds to take and that I shouldn't have to call multiple times and ask multiple questions before I get answers.  I believe I should never hear you should have already been taking that when no one told me.  

The above is what prompted us to not go back to this RE and find a new one.  We took a very long break from treatments due to trying to save money,  finding a new RE, and trying to get an appointment with our new RE. 

I have also decided to let it go.  I have held onto my deep dislike for my HRE for too long.  Yes, I do still believe that if they had taken more time to talk to me, get to know me and my medical problems, and really tried to help me I would not be in the place I am now.  But I also know that I was clueless and uneducated on infertility and that was my fault.  I am to blame, also.  I also know that this was a very good learning experience for me.  I learned that you do have to do your own research and take responsibility for your own illness.  You cannot whole heartedly trust that a doctor is doing what is in your best interest.  At least this experience did not have to do with a life/death situation.  It could have been worse.  And I learned one of the hardest life lessons I have learned to date.  

And I'm going to let it go.

Of course I ended up back on BC because I started having my period every 14 days again.  This is when I was told to always either be on BC or fertility treatments because not doing one or the other could cause uterine disease which could lead to cancer.

May not sound like a big deal, but it was huge to me.  That statement totally took away the possibility of me getting pregnant "on my own."  That was when I started to realize that I may never get pregnant.  This was one of the hardest parts of our journey and when I think I was feeling down the most.