Infertility Resume Continued-2008

Okay, so this is another one of those times that I wish I had kept better documentation.  We took a break from fertility meds.  I remember talking to my OB about putting me on BC right after we stopped the treatments.  He asked me if I thought I could handle not being on BC and "trying on our own for a while."  Of course I said YES!  I remember being so excited that he thought it might happen.....we might get pregnant on our own.

Well, I remember it wasn't long and I started having crazy periods again.  First they were 40, then 50, then 60 days apart.  (Talk about getting your hopes up that you are pregnant!)  Then they started their every 14 days again.  So, I made an appointment to see him again.  He put me back on BC.  He tried Lybrel which is one of the BC's that you don't have a period on.  Well, we quickly found out that my body does NOT like those.  I remember spotting for a whole month.  Ugh.

So, he decided that I should stay on the BC and stop taking it for 5 days every time I spotted for more than one day in a row.  I don't remember why he didn't want to just change my BC, but there was a good reason.  It actually worked much better and I started feeling great after a few months!  My OB was wonderful!  I'm still so sad he moved!

The notes from our HRE (horrid re) state that I called on 3-4-08 to make an appointment to consult with our HRE to discuss starting treatments again.

Our appointment with HRE was on 4-7-08.  He decided to DC my BC, try letrozole2.5 mg x 5 days, and do a mid cycle scan.  This is the first time we discussed IUI.  It also says we discussed gonadotropins (injections) verses ovarian drilling, but I don't remember that at all.  I was probably very over whelmed, or we never actually discussed it.  I don't know.

I remember having to sign a consent to take letrozole because it was not an FDA approved fertility medicine.  I remember that it was a cancer medicine.  Anyway, it was kind of a last resort.  It is what they try on women that clomid and femara don't work on.  

I called on 4-25-08 to tell them I had started my cycle and the meds.  I scheduled my day 13 ultrasound for 5-7-08.

5-7-08--left ovary 24.6, 13.9.  right ovary 20.5.  Endo thickness-7.71.  (basically perfect.)  We decided against IUI, mainly because of the extra cost and my husband has no issues with his sperm.  The doctor couldn't tell me that it would make that much of a difference.

5-7-08--Had Ovidrel injection at 8 pm to try to get my ovary to release the egg.  My OB's wife/my boss gave me the injection.  I was still too scared to give myself a shot!  

5-9-08--had to call to find out if I was supposed to take progesterone this cycle.  By the way, I was supposed to already be taking it and no one told me.  ugh.  (I remember the break down that came with this.)

5-19-08--I started.  After an almost perfect cycle.

5-22-08--had day 3 ultrasound to see if I was cleared for next treatment.  In the notes, it states that my right ovary is in the normal position, and my left ovary is behind my uterus.  It is always like that.  It pretty much makes vaginal ultrasounds a little (okay a lot) uncomfortable.  It also makes me wonder if that is part of what is wrong.  A very tilted uterus and a left ovary behind my uterus.  Nothing is where it is supposed to be.  That can't be helpful in the whole pregnancy process.  And, just a side note:  I have had to help more than one person do a vaginal ultrasound on me find my ovary.  I know pretty much exactly where the wand should be to be able to see my left ovary.  Sounds crazy, but it is more comfortable than letting them look around.  Uncomfortable.

5-22-08--I had no large cysts!!  YAY!  I got to move right on to the next cycle.  Same protocol as last time, but we decided that if the HRE decided that the results from the meds were as good as the last time we would do IUI.  

5-29-08--Ultrasound says 11.9, 10.1, and 18.9 on left.  11.1 and 10.5 on right.  I remember being very disappointed.  I had lab drawn.  I keep forgetting to mention that, but every time I stepped into the HRE's office I had lab drawn.  Just a part of it.  Dr. B decided to do a follow up ultrasound in 2 days to see if the follicles had progressed.  He also explained IUI.

6-2-08--left ovary 10.1, 16, 12.9.  right ovary 13.  Endo thickness 7.66.  ugh.  

6-2-08--got lab results.  Was told to start OPK (ovulation predictor kit) as if I had a surge I was to call.  We decided to go ahead with IUI this cycle.  

Apparently I had no surge with my ovulation predictor kits.  We talked about it and decided not to do IUI this cycle because we wanted to save it for when we had better results.  

6-19-08--I started.  Again.

6-23-08--came in for day 3 ultrasound.  Small cysts on both ovaries, but decided to go ahead with treatment.  Decided to change protocol.  Femara 2.5 days 5-9.  Bravelle injections 75 units days 10-12.  Ultrasound day 13.  Decide when to do IUI on day 13.

I remember how scary doing those injections was for me.  I decided I couldn't ask my boss to give me injections everyday for 3 days so I was going to be a big girl and do it myself!  ha.  So I did.  I gave myself shots in my stomach.  It really was so easy and not bad at all!  

7-1-08--left ovary 12.1, 10.3.  right ovary 17.5.  endo thickness 8.33.  HRE decided 1 more day of bravelle injections then lab to determine when to do ovidrel and IUI.  

 I remember getting the phone call to give myself the ovidrel immediately and I was ready for IUI the next day!  so EXCITING!  I had to call my husband and ask him to bring my ovidrel to work.  I remember sitting in my bosses office to give myself that shot.  I shared an office with another girl, and she had a parent in our office!  ha.  

7-2-08 was my first IUI.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember that we waited FOREVER after my husband gave his sample.  I was afraid something was wrong.  There I was sitting in an exam room undressed from the waist down for over an hour!  Ugh!  This place had no regard for their patience's comfort.  I remember the IUI being pretty uncomplicated once it finally happened.  I remember laying on that hard table with my feet up in the air for 10 minutes afterwards.

It really wasn't painful at all right afterwards.  We came home and packed the camper to go to the lake.  We left a few hours later.  After we got there I was in so much pain!!  When I do ovulate it is pretty painful.  I was hoping that was why I was hurting.  

7-14-08--had negative pregnancy test.  ugh.

7-24-08--started my period.  We decided to take a break from treatments.  

The IUI was the last time that I walked into that office.  Fertility treatments are a very emotional process.  I believe that everyone working in a RE office should be respectful and realize what all of the couples coming in there are there for.  I believe that they should have sympathy.  I believe that fertility treatments are very touchy and costly and everyone should remember that.  I believe that when going through something so tough I should not be just a number.  I believe that before the doctor walks in the room that he should read my chart and at least know my name and what treatment protocol we have decided on.  I believe that I should be informed of what I should do next and what meds to take and that I shouldn't have to call multiple times and ask multiple questions before I get answers.  I believe I should never hear you should have already been taking that when no one told me.  

The above is what prompted us to not go back to this RE and find a new one.  We took a very long break from treatments due to trying to save money,  finding a new RE, and trying to get an appointment with our new RE. 

I have also decided to let it go.  I have held onto my deep dislike for my HRE for too long.  Yes, I do still believe that if they had taken more time to talk to me, get to know me and my medical problems, and really tried to help me I would not be in the place I am now.  But I also know that I was clueless and uneducated on infertility and that was my fault.  I am to blame, also.  I also know that this was a very good learning experience for me.  I learned that you do have to do your own research and take responsibility for your own illness.  You cannot whole heartedly trust that a doctor is doing what is in your best interest.  At least this experience did not have to do with a life/death situation.  It could have been worse.  And I learned one of the hardest life lessons I have learned to date.  

And I'm going to let it go.

Of course I ended up back on BC because I started having my period every 14 days again.  This is when I was told to always either be on BC or fertility treatments because not doing one or the other could cause uterine disease which could lead to cancer.

May not sound like a big deal, but it was huge to me.  That statement totally took away the possibility of me getting pregnant "on my own."  That was when I started to realize that I may never get pregnant.  This was one of the hardest parts of our journey and when I think I was feeling down the most.

What is in Such a Tiny Pill??

Last Thursday I forgot my birth control pill.  I did not realize it until Saturday.  Thank goodness for the days of the week listed on the pill pack!  Thursday night I was very sick at my stomach and just blamed it on something I ate, but I really didn't know why.  Friday I was, well lets just say, a little testy.  ha.  I thought maybe it was because I had gotten so hot sitting outside at a little festival where my mom and I had a booth. 

Usually when I get hot I don't like to eat much, but on Friday I could NOT get enough to eat!  It was crazy.  I kept telling my mom, "I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just don't feel like myself!"  I chalked it up to the heat.

On Saturday morning we were on our way back to the festival and I was taking my medicine.  I actually looked at my birth control when I took it and it said I was taking Friday's pill when it was Saturday.  Ut Oh!  I knew I had in fact taken it on Friday, so I started putting the pieces together and realized it must have been Thursday that I missed my pill.

By Saturday my face had started breaking out, and I was just SO tired.  I decided to take an extra pill Saturday night when I ate.  I knew it might make me a little sick at my stomach, but I can handle that if I feel a little more like me.

My mom and I got very hot, too hot in fact, at the festival.  We came home earlier than planned on Saturday.  I was hot, tired, sweaty, etc., when I got home, BUT I could NOT stop cleaning!  It was crazy!  I don't know why, but when I am not on birth control I have some very serious OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) symptoms.  My husband had not gone with us to the festival, so he was very happy to see me when we got home.  Poor guy.  I really seem to take things out on him when my hormones are not right. 

I started bossing him around the minute I walked in the door, and then I would start apologizing.  It is like I just can't control what comes out of my mouth, and I have NO patience.  Especially with him.  Of course I told him what I had done.  He offered to fix me something to eat so I could get that extra pill in my system.  ha.

Sunday morning I did feel much more like myself.  I was a little sick at my stomach and I slept most of Sunday away, but I can handle that much better than my OCD bossy self!  Oh, and by the way, as hot, tired, sweaty, and CRAZY as I was when I got home on Saturday, I cleaned my place from top to bottom.  Ugh.  I just couldn't stop. 

But, even though it helped my ahem...attitude....ahem, I am broken out, hungry, tired, and my ovaries and uterus hurt.  Okay, so I know it sounds silly to say my ovaries and uterus hurt, but after you have taken as many fertility meds as I have you know RIGHT where your ovaries are.  And after having a DNC, I know RIGHT where my uterus is. 

And believe me, it could be much worse, and I definitely realize that, but it just amazes me what all is in that tiny little pill.  I am SO thankful for that tiny little pill and believe me, I am going to try my hardest not to forget to take that tiny little pill again!

Well, and speaking of fertility meds, we are moving into a new place in the middle of July sometime.  So, I decided to start cleaning out a few cabinets so there isn't quite as much to do when it gets closer.  The first one I tackled was the medicine cabinet.  I truly did not expect to find anything that made me sad, but boy was I wrong.  I found progesterone from 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010.  Okay, so maybe when I was done with it because I wasn't pregnant I just threw it in the cabinet and didn't look at it again.  I was reading the dates and most of them were summer dates.  It made me kind of sad because this is the first summer in 5 years that we haven't been doing fertility treatments.

Don't get me wrong, summer is a horrible time to be doing fertility treatments, but it is easiest with my husband's job and it just always seemed to work out that summer is when we had the most money saved.  So, that is how we have spent our summers.  No, I do not enjoy fertility treatments, but they are kind of exciting and always gave me hope that this might be IT!  So, I have to admit, it made me kind of sad that we are not doing treatments this summer. 

I also found some bravelle.  I almost made me sick.  That stuff is SO expensive!  If I had known it was in there I would have donated it to someone who was having trouble paying for their fertility treatments. 

I also found an empty package of birth control.  I looked at the date and rememberd why I kept it.  It was the last BC I took before I started my fertility treatments last spring at my new RE clinic.  I had a lot of hope.  I wanted to be able to look at that empty BC package and know it was the last package I would take for almost a year.  I just knew this was going to be IT! 

I did throw it all away, the progesterone, the bravelle, the out of date ovulation predictor kits, the out of date pregnancy tests, and the empty package of birth control.  And it made me kind of sad.

Obviously the treatments did not work, but it was nice to remember how much hope I had.  So, now I am ready.  I have found the motivation I needed.  I am ready to get in shape and start saving for IVF.

Isn't it funny how God works sometimes??  He even works through the cleaning out of medicine cabinets.

Overweight and Infertility

You can call it uneducated, naive, denial, or many other words, but I honestly had no clue that my weight would affect my fertility.  I had always known something wasn't quite right.  I really didn't over eat very often.  I did not always make the best choices, but my choices vs. the large amount that I am/was over weight didn't add up.  Yes, I could have exercised more, made better choices, and learned to stop eating before I was miserable, but it still didn't add up.

I have been over weight since I was about 6 years-old.  Not morbidly obese, but enough that it was definitely noticeable. 

I had an adult neighbor growing up who was a huge influence in my life.  She likes to talk, as do I.  My mom and I would often meet up with her in the street between our 2 houses and talk.  Before we knew it 2 hours had gone by and we are still standing in the street talking!  (Needless to say I did not grow up on a very busy street.  ha!)  She had 4 children, her oldest son being a year younger than me.  She then had 2 more sons and a daughter.  I babysat the 3 younger ones quite often. 

I remember one of our conversations one time just between the 2 of us standing in our street. She said to me, "Well, it has begun.  H's (her daughter) friends have started making fun of her for being fat."  At this time H was about 7 years-old.  She was a healthy child and maybe had a little belly, but no where close to obese.  She continued to tell me that it just broke her heart to have H coming home from school crying because the other girls were being mean and making fun of her. 

Then she says, "How do you handle it?"  Me a little confused says, "Handle what?" 

See, I had honestly never let my weight control me.  Thanks to my natural temperament (that I was born with) and my awesome mom who continuously fed my self esteem, I really most of the time did not let my being over weight bother me.  So much so, sometimes I even forgot I was over weight.....like in this situation.

Then she says, "Your weight.  You don't seem to let it bother you."  And I am sure I kind of giggled, which I do in most situations, and told her that I had decided along time ago (I was only maybe 14 or 15. lol) that if "someone doesn't like me for me then I don't need them in my life."  She was a very expressive person and with her jaw dropped and her eyes bugging she says something like, "How do I teach H to be like you? I want her to feel that way!  Wow."  She then told me that most adults still haven't learned that in their life, and she thought it was great that I could feel that way.  She then of course asked me if I would talk to H about the girls making fun of her and encourage her that she didn't need friends like that.  H and I were like *this (fingers crossed).  (H even had my phone number memorized and say maybe her mom was very busy running 4 children around and maybe sometimes forgot to pick H up from dance class, and H would call, "Mom forgot me at dance AGAIN.  Can you please come get me?"  LOL!  So, of course I would.)

Now, don't get me wrong.  I was made fun of.  I am sure there were a few tears shed.  But, I had plenty of friends ......and even boyfriends ........who loved me for me.  So, H soon lost her baby/young kid weight and became a beautiful young lady.  I am pretty sure she didn't have to worry about the struggles that her mom was concerned she would have her whole life.  Thankfully!

But me, well, I have never gotten rid of the overweight status.  And honestly I still feel the same way I did at 14.  But, this whole being overweight affects your fertility really stinks.  All that time I had spent excepting my being over weight.  Not that I think it was necessarily a "bad" thing that I excepted it, but I never had a clue that it would be one major piece the puzzle.  The puzzle that is keeping me from being pregnant.  No, being over weight isn't necessarily the only thing that is keeping me from being pregnant, but it is a large piece of the puzzle.  It pretty much throws a curve ball at what I have spent me life excepting. 

Now I heard from many doctors in my life that it would make my asthma better if I would lose a little weight.  I just let it roll right on by me.  Ha.  I had heard from a few doctors after I had a bad car wreck that injured my ankle that if I would get some weight off my ankle it would help it heal.  I also let that roll on by. 

Me, stubborn???  Never!

So when I hear from my first RE that losing weight would help my fertility, I honestly let it roll on by.  I thought, just like in every other situation, that losing weight always helps every situation......but I had overcome all of my other medical issues without losing weight, so why was fertility any different.  Boy was I wrong!

I have to say that I could tell it made my HRE (horrid reproductive endocrinologist)  feel uncomfortable to tell me that I needed to lose weight.  He did not harp on it at all.  He said it once and never mentioned it again.  It wasn't until I kept having fertility struggles that I did my own research and found out that losing weight could really make the biggest difference in my fertility.  It could make more of a difference than any of the fertility drugs.

So I tried.  I exercised more.  I ate what I thought was better.  I definitely ate less. 
Annnnnddddd nothing. 
I couldn't lose a pound. 
I just kept packing them on. 

Then I remembered that when I was in college and was put on BC for female issues, I lost weight.  Most people gain weight on BC.  It was all beginning to click.

Then I went to see my new WRE (wonderful reproductive endocrinologist) and he gave it to me straight.  He told me that my PCOS is likely why I had been overweight my whole life.  He asked me if I had tried to lose weight on my on and been unsuccessful.  With tears streaming down my face I said yes.  *Finally, someone understands!*  He told me that with my PCOS, I couldn't do it on my own.  He prescribed metformin and told me to pick a diet.  Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc., and do it.  He told me he wanted me to lose 25 pounds before I saw him again.  I thought to myself......."It will NEVER happen.  I've tried this before."

I joined Weight Watchers, and to my surprise, it worked!  I have lost 45 pounds since I first met with my WRE.  I appreciate that he doesn't look like he feels uncomfortable when he tells me to lose weight.  I appreciate that he isn't cruel about it.  I appreciate that he told me my PCOS is not my fault and that is why I could never lose weight. 

But I'm stuck.  I want to still lose weight (believe me I still have plenty I could lose!), but it isn't happening as "easy" as it was for me.  I use the term "easy" lightly.  I just don't know where to go from here.  I have almost lost my motivation.  YES, I still very much so desire to be pregnant and I know losing weight could help IVF be successful, but where do I go from here. 

I have GOT to find my motivation, and I am really hoping that writing this all out will help me find it!

My Heart is Broken For You

Wow!  What a day!  I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been great.  Just not a lot to say.  It just kind of comes and goes I guess.  

But today, not just 1 but 2 of my infertility buddies got told "no" after their 2 week wait.  Ugh.  I just hurt for them.  I almost feel like it is me.  Sounds crazy, I know.  But I just had my hopes so high for both of them.  One of them just began her journey and another who has been on her journey for a while. 

Please pray for them!  (All 2 of you who read.  ha!  But still....any prayers can't hurt.)  

Amy from Chapters posted a video on her blog.  Please go watch it and leave her some words of encouragement!  She is SO brave to be so open. 

This song always helped me when I heard "no".  Sometimes there are just no words.

Infertility Resume Continued-2007

My referral was sent from my OB to the HRE (horrid reproductive endocrinologist) on February 5, 2007.  My first appointment with the HRE was on February 15, 2007.  At the time I did not realize how great that was.  It took months for me to get into my WRE (wonderful reproductive endocrinologist).  Well worth the wait....but that is another post.

Looking back at the notes from my HRE just reiterated to me why we chose to go to another clinic.  I'm pretty sure I've already said this, but I think typing out these next two years is going to be tough.  I have a lot of regrets.  I really wish I had educated myself more.  Now that I read back through the doctors notes, I read the numbers and wonder why I ever had my hopes up.  I didn't know those weren't good follicle sizes.  I didn't know that it is not medically possible for me to get pregnant with that endo lining.  

Anyway, at least I know now.  It took me a while to accept my infertility.  It took this experience to learn that all doctors are not all knowing and can and will get your hopes up when there is no reason for them to be.  I learned that in future experiences I need to educate myself more and ask more questions.  I learned to follow my gut, and even though it may seem like everything is pointing towards one direction it may not be the right one. 

Back to my first appointment.  It was very anti-climatic.  The HRE asked a lot of questions, but did not give much information.  In his notes, it says "has some, but not all, features of PCOS."  He didn't tell me that that day.  Well, and thanks to fertility treatments and trying on my own I now have all symptoms of PCOS.  Ugh.  Being on BC keep most of my symptoms dormant before we started TTC. And this was fairly close to the beginning of our journey. 

I keep thinking back to "what if I had known what I know now,"  "What if we had just saved all of that money and done IVF a long time ago," "what if I had just really accepted that something was wrong?"  (To my defense, every doctor I talked to [OB and all 3 HRE's] did not think I should have any problem getting pregnant.  No one understood why I wasn't responding better to the meds.)  

What if I had taken Metformin from the beginning?  What if I had done Weight Watchers and lost weight before trying any treatments?

I guess I will never know. 

I blame myself for not being more educated.  I blame my HRE for not really getting to the bottom of my problems.

Okay, back to my first appointment again...The Plan:

progesterone, TSH, prolactin sent today (Day 26)

SA on husband

HSG after next period (ouch)

Day 3 lab with next period

Return after above to discuss treatment plan

Sounds pretty reasonable, right?  I thought so.

2-16-07--started my period on CD 27 (not too bad for me)

2-19-07--had day 3 blood work (HRE's nurses absolutely stink at drawing blood.  So, maybe I have horrible veins, but they really stink!  I had more horrible bruises from blood draws.  I was stuck 3 and 4 times most visits.  For the record, at my WRE-never been stuck more than once, so it isn't all my veins fault.  ha)

2-19-07-called to get blood work results and of course it was not normal.  It showed that my body was not producing enough of the right hormones and too much of the wrong hormones.  Scheduled my HSG for the next week.

2-27-07--HSG.  (Ouch)  Results were normal.  Uterine Cavity:  Normal

Left Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla

Right Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla

Normal HSG

I am thankful it was normal.  I hope it still is.  But, it was just another question as to why the meds weren't working and why I wasn't pregnant yet.

3-1-07--I called and made an appointment to review the results with my doctor.  (they never called me.  I called them and was not told to.  you will see this is a trend.)

3-8-07--follow up appointment.  This is where we learned the results from all of the tests.  Husband's SA-great!  (One less thing we have to worry about-but another question...why am I not pregnant yet?)

My blood work was not good.  Of course.  

Plan:  With next period start clomid 200 mgs day 3-7 and dexamethasone days 3-12.

Then Midcycle scan.

Not sure when I started the meds-it's not in the note.  I called on 3-21-07 to see when to come in for MSUS (Mid cycle ultrasound).  

3-31-07--MCUS and lab work-My results from the MCUS were not on the notes.  My lab work was okay, but not good.  It was ordered to have Ovidrel on 3-31-07.  (I had the craziest of the 3 HRE's for this appointment.  He came into the room without even looking at my chart.  He didn't know my name.  He started talking about insemination and I honestly didn't even know what that was.  It hadn't even been discussed with us.  Talk about stressing a girl out!  The nurse had to point out to him that our plan was timed intercourse.  Ugh to crazy doctors!)

4-2-07--I called to find out the next step.  No one told me at my appointment on 3-31-07.  Turns out I was supposed to be on progesterone and no one told me.  Great.  They called in the prescription.

4-17-07--cycle day 1.  In other words--BFN.

4-20-07--Day 3 ultrasound.  "Ultrasound today shows multiple cysts on left ovary.  Findings reviewed with patient.  Questions answered.  Not sure why patient was not better despite good pre-ovulatory follicle size.  Would recommend repeating clomid next cycle and recheck patient 1 week post ovulation.  

Plan:  No stimulation this cycle.  (I was SO disappointed!!)

Take BC for one month  (Another disappointment!)

In 3 weeks repeat scan

Next cycle:  clomid 200 mg+dex+progesterone

4-30-07--my hair started falling out in chunks!  It was scary!  I called and no one could explain to me why.  The HRE called me himself and couldn't explain why.  He said it might be the PCOS.  "PCOS?"  He hadn't even told me he thought I had PCOS.  I was devastated.  This problem I had had a name.  Ugh.  I googled it and that was not the best idea.  That is never the best idea!

(I found out later that the hormone change, especially the progesterone, makes my hair fall out.  No, it doesn't happen in everyone....just lucky me!  And yes, it all grew back.  And yes, it happened with every fertility treatment.  My hair is still coming back from my last treatment.  It is getting really thick because I haven't had a treatment in so long!  Ha!  After it came back the first time I pretty much quit freaking out about it because I know it will come back.)

5-11-07--Went back for ultrasound to check cyst size.  It was 2/3 gone.  Recommended not to do treatment again this month.  Ugh.

5-29-07--I called to schedule follow-up appointment.  No one called me back.

6-4-07--I called to try to schedule a follow-up appointment.  Told me to wait for period.  (Would have been nice if someone would have taken the time to explain things to me!)

6-14-07--called with cycle day 1

6-15-07-- went in for day 3 ultrasound.  Right cyst still present, but decided to proceed with treatment?  (I still have that cyst)  Same as last time 200 mg clomid, dex, progesterone.  Labs drawn of course.

6-26-07--I remember this appointment so well.  Had the really crazy HRE.  He couldn't tell if he was seeing the cyst from before or a follicle.  One measured 20mm one measured 17mm.  I had to go back the next day and pay the same amount for another ultrasound.  Ugh.  

6-27-07--left ovary-22.2 mm, 18.3 mm

right ovary-15.3 mm

Endo lining-6.54 (ugh)

More lab work-shows I need HCG (ovidrel)

6-28-07--I called and was told to start progesterone on Saturday.  Once again, what if I hadn't called??

7-19-07--BFN again.  Decided to take a break.

My follicles had been great for both cycles.  At the time I didn't know my lining was the problem.  I didn't know that mattered.  I should have had clueless stamped on my forehead!  

I'll work on this some more tomorrow.  

Slapped in The Face...

That pretty much sums up how I felt today.  Ugh.  The reality of will I ever be a mother would not leave my mind today.  I am so mad at myself.

I really did try.  I really did try not to make today about me.  I HAVE to make myself stay off Facebook and ban myself from reading blogs around holidays like this that I know are going to be hard.  I told myself that I wasn't going to after how hard it made Easter, but I did it anyway.  Ugh.  

I went to church with my mom.  That was harder than I remembered from last year or the year before, or the year before.....you get the point.  But my mom smiled the whole time.  Made it worth it.

Then we went out to lunch where the waiter proceeds to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  Okay, It was my mom, my husband and I.  Don't you think if I had children that they would be with me on MOTHER'S day??  Then he comes back around with special Mother's Day chocolates and says how many mothers do we have at this table??  Really??  Do you have to rub it in.  Poor guy.  I know he just doesn't know.  I managed to keep my mouth shut, but he definitely got a look.

Then off to the movies.  It was a great movie, but of course someone in the movie gets pregnant and does not want to be.  Ugh.  I know, it is just a movie, but I was a little over sensitive today!  LOL!  

Then on to grocery shopping.  Remind me to never do that on a "over sensitive emotion day."  Oh my, I noticed every kiddo in that store.  There was a dad who very obviously didn't usually do the grocery shopping with a list and 2 children in tow.  It was obviously a Mother's Day gift to his wife.  I couldn't help but smile and want to cry at the same time.  

Not to mention that my husband could do nothing right today.  Poor guy wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling too sorry for myself to feel sorry for him.  I am usually pretty even keeled when it comes to my emotions, and he just doesn't know what to do with me on days like today.  We fought over the stupidest stuff all day.  Ugh.

I tried.  Very unsuccessfully, but I tried.  My mom did thank me for my efforts.  LOL!  She told me she had a great Mother's Day, but I know she was worried about me.  Even though I never told her how much Mother's Day hurts, I know she could tell.  Even though I never got upset in front of her today.  I know she knows.  She is my mom.  

Tomorrow is a new day, and at least it doesn't have a crazy name placed on it like "Mother's Day!"  LOL!   Tomorrow will be a better day!  

Lord, please help all of my friends who desire so desperately to be a mom have faith in you.  Please help them to rely on you.  Lord, please use me.  Please make this pain have a purpose.

 

National Infertility Awareness Week (Last Week)

So, National Infertility Awareness Week was actually last week, but well.....you read my last week, so better late than never.  I read this survey on Lauren's blog.  Thanks for letting me steal it Lauren!

A. Age when you started TTC (trying to conceive): 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: I'm not really sure what this means.  But since I am on birth control, my guess would be that we are not baby dancing?  LOL!

C. Children wanted: Before starting TTC, we always talked about having 2 or maybe 3 children.  Now, we would be unbelievably stoked to have 1!

 

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: We have 1 6.5 year-old dog who is our baby!

E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I take a prenatal vitamin every day.  I started this when I got off BC the very first time and then continued when I was pregnant.  I stopped taking them when I miscarried, and I could tell!  I was so tired!  My hair and my nails were not as healthy.  So I still take them even when there is no chance I could get pregnant.  I always probably will.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Femara, Bravelle, Follistim, Ovidrel, a progesterone patch, and Progesterone suppositories......I think that is all?

G. Gain: Too much!!  If I lose 10 more pounds I will weigh the same thing I did when I got married.......but I was over weight then, so I would like to continue to lose.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Horrid.  Only way to describe it.  I know it was necessary, and I would do it again if I needed to, but it was Horrid!  I am allergic to shellfish, so I had to take 2 benedryl before having the dye pushed through my tubes.  My doctor was oh....4 hours late, and I DO NOT handle benedryl well.  It usually takes me a full 24 hours to sleep it off.  Crazy, I know.  I never would have made a good druggy. Anyway, I already felt horrible from trying to fight off sleep for 4 hours, and then it was so painful!  My HRE said everything looked normal, but I bled a lot for quite a long time.  I had to call in sick the next day because I was still benedryl drunk and in pain.  My boss said she is glad she knows me well, or she would have thought for sure that I was still drunk from the night before when I called in that morning!  LOL!

 

I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: "When people would tell me to just stop trying and it would happen or when people would tell me they just didn't stress about it and they immediately got pregnant."  I couldn't have said it better, Lauren!  And, I would like to add when people ask you if you are pregnant!  Oh my!  What are some people thinking???  You don't ask someone that!  And when people ask the innocent "When are you going to have kids" question.  Ugh.  I used to dred that.  I now have a rehearsed speech.  Ha. 

J. Job title: Licensed Social Worker, Social Services Consultant

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Well, since you asked I will share all 6!  Ha!  And for the record, even if they get used before we can use them, we are using them anyway.  #1 girl name:  Mary Blanche.  (Mary-my maternal grandmother's name/Blanche-hubby's paternal grrnamother's name)  #2 girl name:  Lynlee Elizabeth.  (Lyn-long time family name on my maternal side, including my niece/Lee-my father-in-law's middle name/Elizabeth-my husband's side of the fam, 2 cousins and an aunt) #3 girl name:  Johanna Charlotte.  (Johanna-my husband's aunt even though it is spelled different/Charlotte-my MIL's name)  #1 boy name:  Joseph Daniel.  (All husband's side)  #2 boy name:  Steven Charles.  (Steven-my maternal grandfather's middle name/Charles-hubby's maternal grandfather's name)  #3 boy name:  John Robert.  (John-hubby's paternal great grandfather's name/Robert-my dad's name)  Whew.  We have had a long time to think about this!  Ha!

L. Length of time TTC: 5 years 6 months

M.  Miscarriages: February 1, 2006

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've had 2 OB's only because my 1st one moved.  I LOVED him!  2 RE's because the first one was horrible!

 

O. Ovarian quality: This has not really been brought up.  My general problem is getting me to ovulate without deplinishing my uterine lining.  My RE did tell me that I have plenty of eggs, "we just have to make then come out!"  Ha! 

 

P. POAS or wait for AF (pee on a stick or wait for menstrual cycle): I bought no less than a million pregnancy tests the first 2 or 3 years.  I haven't bought 1 the past 2 years and just wait for AF.  I decided it was wasting money that I could use for treatment. 

 

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I can't believe I got pregnant.  I don't even want this kid."  "We really weren't trying.  I think I'm the most fertile person ever!"  "I don't want to spoil my kid, so I think I will start spanking them as soon as they come out."  (This person wasn't kidding).  Did you see my job title above?  I could go on for days.

 

S. Sperm: My husband's sperm are great.  We still laugh because our first RE asked my husband if he had ever thought about being a sperm donor!  LOL!

 

T. Time you tried naturally: 1 month, pregnant for 9 weeks, tried on our own for 3 more months before we started having problems.  We have tried on our own for a few months here and there with no success.  Now we have been advised NOT to try on our own.

 

U. Uterus quality: It's good except for my lining thinning due to fertility meds.

 

V. Vagina: I have NO shame any more.  More doctors and nurses have seen it in the last 5 years than I ever would have imagined in my life!

 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: too much

 

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My mom and mother in law are the only ones we call about everything.  A few close friends know some. 

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I do, and it is probably time.  Need to make that appointment! 

 

Z.  Zits: If my PCOS is messing up, worse than when I was a teenager.

 

I hope this wasn't TMI and it helped you learn a little more about our TTC journey!