My Heart is Broken For You

Wow!  What a day!  I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been great.  Just not a lot to say.  It just kind of comes and goes I guess.  

But today, not just 1 but 2 of my infertility buddies got told "no" after their 2 week wait.  Ugh.  I just hurt for them.  I almost feel like it is me.  Sounds crazy, I know.  But I just had my hopes so high for both of them.  One of them just began her journey and another who has been on her journey for a while. 

Please pray for them!  (All 2 of you who read.  ha!  But still....any prayers can't hurt.)  

Amy from Chapters posted a video on her blog.  Please go watch it and leave her some words of encouragement!  She is SO brave to be so open. 

This song always helped me when I heard "no".  Sometimes there are just no words.

Infertility Resume Continued-2007

My referral was sent from my OB to the HRE (horrid reproductive endocrinologist) on February 5, 2007.  My first appointment with the HRE was on February 15, 2007.  At the time I did not realize how great that was.  It took months for me to get into my WRE (wonderful reproductive endocrinologist).  Well worth the wait....but that is another post.

Looking back at the notes from my HRE just reiterated to me why we chose to go to another clinic.  I'm pretty sure I've already said this, but I think typing out these next two years is going to be tough.  I have a lot of regrets.  I really wish I had educated myself more.  Now that I read back through the doctors notes, I read the numbers and wonder why I ever had my hopes up.  I didn't know those weren't good follicle sizes.  I didn't know that it is not medically possible for me to get pregnant with that endo lining.  

Anyway, at least I know now.  It took me a while to accept my infertility.  It took this experience to learn that all doctors are not all knowing and can and will get your hopes up when there is no reason for them to be.  I learned that in future experiences I need to educate myself more and ask more questions.  I learned to follow my gut, and even though it may seem like everything is pointing towards one direction it may not be the right one. 

Back to my first appointment.  It was very anti-climatic.  The HRE asked a lot of questions, but did not give much information.  In his notes, it says "has some, but not all, features of PCOS."  He didn't tell me that that day.  Well, and thanks to fertility treatments and trying on my own I now have all symptoms of PCOS.  Ugh.  Being on BC keep most of my symptoms dormant before we started TTC. And this was fairly close to the beginning of our journey. 

I keep thinking back to "what if I had known what I know now,"  "What if we had just saved all of that money and done IVF a long time ago," "what if I had just really accepted that something was wrong?"  (To my defense, every doctor I talked to [OB and all 3 HRE's] did not think I should have any problem getting pregnant.  No one understood why I wasn't responding better to the meds.)  

What if I had taken Metformin from the beginning?  What if I had done Weight Watchers and lost weight before trying any treatments?

I guess I will never know. 

I blame myself for not being more educated.  I blame my HRE for not really getting to the bottom of my problems.

Okay, back to my first appointment again...The Plan:

progesterone, TSH, prolactin sent today (Day 26)

SA on husband

HSG after next period (ouch)

Day 3 lab with next period

Return after above to discuss treatment plan

Sounds pretty reasonable, right?  I thought so.

2-16-07--started my period on CD 27 (not too bad for me)

2-19-07--had day 3 blood work (HRE's nurses absolutely stink at drawing blood.  So, maybe I have horrible veins, but they really stink!  I had more horrible bruises from blood draws.  I was stuck 3 and 4 times most visits.  For the record, at my WRE-never been stuck more than once, so it isn't all my veins fault.  ha)

2-19-07-called to get blood work results and of course it was not normal.  It showed that my body was not producing enough of the right hormones and too much of the wrong hormones.  Scheduled my HSG for the next week.

2-27-07--HSG.  (Ouch)  Results were normal.  Uterine Cavity:  Normal

Left Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla

Right Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla

Normal HSG

I am thankful it was normal.  I hope it still is.  But, it was just another question as to why the meds weren't working and why I wasn't pregnant yet.

3-1-07--I called and made an appointment to review the results with my doctor.  (they never called me.  I called them and was not told to.  you will see this is a trend.)

3-8-07--follow up appointment.  This is where we learned the results from all of the tests.  Husband's SA-great!  (One less thing we have to worry about-but another question...why am I not pregnant yet?)

My blood work was not good.  Of course.  

Plan:  With next period start clomid 200 mgs day 3-7 and dexamethasone days 3-12.

Then Midcycle scan.

Not sure when I started the meds-it's not in the note.  I called on 3-21-07 to see when to come in for MSUS (Mid cycle ultrasound).  

3-31-07--MCUS and lab work-My results from the MCUS were not on the notes.  My lab work was okay, but not good.  It was ordered to have Ovidrel on 3-31-07.  (I had the craziest of the 3 HRE's for this appointment.  He came into the room without even looking at my chart.  He didn't know my name.  He started talking about insemination and I honestly didn't even know what that was.  It hadn't even been discussed with us.  Talk about stressing a girl out!  The nurse had to point out to him that our plan was timed intercourse.  Ugh to crazy doctors!)

4-2-07--I called to find out the next step.  No one told me at my appointment on 3-31-07.  Turns out I was supposed to be on progesterone and no one told me.  Great.  They called in the prescription.

4-17-07--cycle day 1.  In other words--BFN.

4-20-07--Day 3 ultrasound.  "Ultrasound today shows multiple cysts on left ovary.  Findings reviewed with patient.  Questions answered.  Not sure why patient was not better despite good pre-ovulatory follicle size.  Would recommend repeating clomid next cycle and recheck patient 1 week post ovulation.  

Plan:  No stimulation this cycle.  (I was SO disappointed!!)

Take BC for one month  (Another disappointment!)

In 3 weeks repeat scan

Next cycle:  clomid 200 mg+dex+progesterone

4-30-07--my hair started falling out in chunks!  It was scary!  I called and no one could explain to me why.  The HRE called me himself and couldn't explain why.  He said it might be the PCOS.  "PCOS?"  He hadn't even told me he thought I had PCOS.  I was devastated.  This problem I had had a name.  Ugh.  I googled it and that was not the best idea.  That is never the best idea!

(I found out later that the hormone change, especially the progesterone, makes my hair fall out.  No, it doesn't happen in everyone....just lucky me!  And yes, it all grew back.  And yes, it happened with every fertility treatment.  My hair is still coming back from my last treatment.  It is getting really thick because I haven't had a treatment in so long!  Ha!  After it came back the first time I pretty much quit freaking out about it because I know it will come back.)

5-11-07--Went back for ultrasound to check cyst size.  It was 2/3 gone.  Recommended not to do treatment again this month.  Ugh.

5-29-07--I called to schedule follow-up appointment.  No one called me back.

6-4-07--I called to try to schedule a follow-up appointment.  Told me to wait for period.  (Would have been nice if someone would have taken the time to explain things to me!)

6-14-07--called with cycle day 1

6-15-07-- went in for day 3 ultrasound.  Right cyst still present, but decided to proceed with treatment?  (I still have that cyst)  Same as last time 200 mg clomid, dex, progesterone.  Labs drawn of course.

6-26-07--I remember this appointment so well.  Had the really crazy HRE.  He couldn't tell if he was seeing the cyst from before or a follicle.  One measured 20mm one measured 17mm.  I had to go back the next day and pay the same amount for another ultrasound.  Ugh.  

6-27-07--left ovary-22.2 mm, 18.3 mm

right ovary-15.3 mm

Endo lining-6.54 (ugh)

More lab work-shows I need HCG (ovidrel)

6-28-07--I called and was told to start progesterone on Saturday.  Once again, what if I hadn't called??

7-19-07--BFN again.  Decided to take a break.

My follicles had been great for both cycles.  At the time I didn't know my lining was the problem.  I didn't know that mattered.  I should have had clueless stamped on my forehead!  

I'll work on this some more tomorrow.  

Slapped in The Face...

That pretty much sums up how I felt today.  Ugh.  The reality of will I ever be a mother would not leave my mind today.  I am so mad at myself.

I really did try.  I really did try not to make today about me.  I HAVE to make myself stay off Facebook and ban myself from reading blogs around holidays like this that I know are going to be hard.  I told myself that I wasn't going to after how hard it made Easter, but I did it anyway.  Ugh.  

I went to church with my mom.  That was harder than I remembered from last year or the year before, or the year before.....you get the point.  But my mom smiled the whole time.  Made it worth it.

Then we went out to lunch where the waiter proceeds to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  Okay, It was my mom, my husband and I.  Don't you think if I had children that they would be with me on MOTHER'S day??  Then he comes back around with special Mother's Day chocolates and says how many mothers do we have at this table??  Really??  Do you have to rub it in.  Poor guy.  I know he just doesn't know.  I managed to keep my mouth shut, but he definitely got a look.

Then off to the movies.  It was a great movie, but of course someone in the movie gets pregnant and does not want to be.  Ugh.  I know, it is just a movie, but I was a little over sensitive today!  LOL!  

Then on to grocery shopping.  Remind me to never do that on a "over sensitive emotion day."  Oh my, I noticed every kiddo in that store.  There was a dad who very obviously didn't usually do the grocery shopping with a list and 2 children in tow.  It was obviously a Mother's Day gift to his wife.  I couldn't help but smile and want to cry at the same time.  

Not to mention that my husband could do nothing right today.  Poor guy wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling too sorry for myself to feel sorry for him.  I am usually pretty even keeled when it comes to my emotions, and he just doesn't know what to do with me on days like today.  We fought over the stupidest stuff all day.  Ugh.

I tried.  Very unsuccessfully, but I tried.  My mom did thank me for my efforts.  LOL!  She told me she had a great Mother's Day, but I know she was worried about me.  Even though I never told her how much Mother's Day hurts, I know she could tell.  Even though I never got upset in front of her today.  I know she knows.  She is my mom.  

Tomorrow is a new day, and at least it doesn't have a crazy name placed on it like "Mother's Day!"  LOL!   Tomorrow will be a better day!  

Lord, please help all of my friends who desire so desperately to be a mom have faith in you.  Please help them to rely on you.  Lord, please use me.  Please make this pain have a purpose.

 

National Infertility Awareness Week (Last Week)

So, National Infertility Awareness Week was actually last week, but well.....you read my last week, so better late than never.  I read this survey on Lauren's blog.  Thanks for letting me steal it Lauren!

A. Age when you started TTC (trying to conceive): 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: I'm not really sure what this means.  But since I am on birth control, my guess would be that we are not baby dancing?  LOL!

C. Children wanted: Before starting TTC, we always talked about having 2 or maybe 3 children.  Now, we would be unbelievably stoked to have 1!

 

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: We have 1 6.5 year-old dog who is our baby!

E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I take a prenatal vitamin every day.  I started this when I got off BC the very first time and then continued when I was pregnant.  I stopped taking them when I miscarried, and I could tell!  I was so tired!  My hair and my nails were not as healthy.  So I still take them even when there is no chance I could get pregnant.  I always probably will.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Femara, Bravelle, Follistim, Ovidrel, a progesterone patch, and Progesterone suppositories......I think that is all?

G. Gain: Too much!!  If I lose 10 more pounds I will weigh the same thing I did when I got married.......but I was over weight then, so I would like to continue to lose.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Horrid.  Only way to describe it.  I know it was necessary, and I would do it again if I needed to, but it was Horrid!  I am allergic to shellfish, so I had to take 2 benedryl before having the dye pushed through my tubes.  My doctor was oh....4 hours late, and I DO NOT handle benedryl well.  It usually takes me a full 24 hours to sleep it off.  Crazy, I know.  I never would have made a good druggy. Anyway, I already felt horrible from trying to fight off sleep for 4 hours, and then it was so painful!  My HRE said everything looked normal, but I bled a lot for quite a long time.  I had to call in sick the next day because I was still benedryl drunk and in pain.  My boss said she is glad she knows me well, or she would have thought for sure that I was still drunk from the night before when I called in that morning!  LOL!

 

I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: "When people would tell me to just stop trying and it would happen or when people would tell me they just didn't stress about it and they immediately got pregnant."  I couldn't have said it better, Lauren!  And, I would like to add when people ask you if you are pregnant!  Oh my!  What are some people thinking???  You don't ask someone that!  And when people ask the innocent "When are you going to have kids" question.  Ugh.  I used to dred that.  I now have a rehearsed speech.  Ha. 

J. Job title: Licensed Social Worker, Social Services Consultant

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Well, since you asked I will share all 6!  Ha!  And for the record, even if they get used before we can use them, we are using them anyway.  #1 girl name:  Mary Blanche.  (Mary-my maternal grandmother's name/Blanche-hubby's paternal grrnamother's name)  #2 girl name:  Lynlee Elizabeth.  (Lyn-long time family name on my maternal side, including my niece/Lee-my father-in-law's middle name/Elizabeth-my husband's side of the fam, 2 cousins and an aunt) #3 girl name:  Johanna Charlotte.  (Johanna-my husband's aunt even though it is spelled different/Charlotte-my MIL's name)  #1 boy name:  Joseph Daniel.  (All husband's side)  #2 boy name:  Steven Charles.  (Steven-my maternal grandfather's middle name/Charles-hubby's maternal grandfather's name)  #3 boy name:  John Robert.  (John-hubby's paternal great grandfather's name/Robert-my dad's name)  Whew.  We have had a long time to think about this!  Ha!

L. Length of time TTC: 5 years 6 months

M.  Miscarriages: February 1, 2006

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've had 2 OB's only because my 1st one moved.  I LOVED him!  2 RE's because the first one was horrible!

 

O. Ovarian quality: This has not really been brought up.  My general problem is getting me to ovulate without deplinishing my uterine lining.  My RE did tell me that I have plenty of eggs, "we just have to make then come out!"  Ha! 

 

P. POAS or wait for AF (pee on a stick or wait for menstrual cycle): I bought no less than a million pregnancy tests the first 2 or 3 years.  I haven't bought 1 the past 2 years and just wait for AF.  I decided it was wasting money that I could use for treatment. 

 

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I can't believe I got pregnant.  I don't even want this kid."  "We really weren't trying.  I think I'm the most fertile person ever!"  "I don't want to spoil my kid, so I think I will start spanking them as soon as they come out."  (This person wasn't kidding).  Did you see my job title above?  I could go on for days.

 

S. Sperm: My husband's sperm are great.  We still laugh because our first RE asked my husband if he had ever thought about being a sperm donor!  LOL!

 

T. Time you tried naturally: 1 month, pregnant for 9 weeks, tried on our own for 3 more months before we started having problems.  We have tried on our own for a few months here and there with no success.  Now we have been advised NOT to try on our own.

 

U. Uterus quality: It's good except for my lining thinning due to fertility meds.

 

V. Vagina: I have NO shame any more.  More doctors and nurses have seen it in the last 5 years than I ever would have imagined in my life!

 

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: too much

 

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My mom and mother in law are the only ones we call about everything.  A few close friends know some. 

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I do, and it is probably time.  Need to make that appointment! 

 

Z.  Zits: If my PCOS is messing up, worse than when I was a teenager.

 

I hope this wasn't TMI and it helped you learn a little more about our TTC journey! 




A Very Trying Week...Part 2

What a 24 hours it was.....my dog kills 2 of my mom's cats, a tornado that did a lot of damage, my mom had to say good bye to her dog, and I had to say good bye to my dog.  Wow.  I really do not want another 24 hours like that.

So where I left off Tuesday night.....We sat in the closet for a while.  It is actually pretty comfortable.  We put some memory foam on the floor and had lots of pillows.  My mom read her book, and I played on my iphone.  (What would I do without my iphone?? ha!)  We decided to just hang out in there instead of doing the in and out.  There were many storms coming through one after another and when you want to keep your animals safe it can be challenging to try to do the in and out thing all night.  Luckily we did not lose power!  The police station let my husband know when we had the all clear for the night and he called and let me know. Hooray!  We did not have to sleep in the closet.  And, the storms were not near as bad as they thought they were going to be.  Another hooray! 

I got up Wednesday morning and headed to work after stopping by the pharmacy to see that they are still closed.  I was supposed to start a new pack of BC, but could not get it.  I really hope it does not start my PCOS symptoms again.  I talked to the hubby and we still did not have power at our place.  Everyone had left and they decide to close down until Monday!  Wow!  We may not have power until Monday.  Oh well.  At least mama does.  So he went to mama's house and buried S after the vet assistant brought her by.  I left work early because I was running a fever.  My boss agreed that I wasn't going to get better if I didn't rest.  That is definitely what I had planned.  The sky started looking rough again.  More storms, but thankfully they were just thunder storms.  I hurried home and packed a few more things in a bag and rushed to my mom's before the rain.  It didn't last long, thankfully.  My hubby finally got to take a hot-not cold-shower and we finally got to talk. 

We both feel the same way.  We decided we would ask mama if she would keep S and O for us forever.  E really needs other cat companions, and we can't trust P around S and O.  P is going to live with my MIL except when my husband gets breaks from work and she can come live with us.  (Which, he gets a 3 week break starting next Tuesday!  So she gets to come stay with us!  Then he works for 5 weeks and gets 6 weeks where she can come stay with us again!)  We had already planned our vacation where we can take her, and I am very excited!

I am going to miss having S and O stay with us sometimes, but mama was very happy to keep them forever for us.  They have already started being very loving and friendly to her.  It is like they know. 

So, we are all settled in watching TV and someone rings the doorbell.  It was the neighbor.  Another neighbor (who is not a responsible pet owner.  That is where we rescued S and O.) has a female outside cat that they stopped feeding.  She loves mama, so of course mama has been feeding her.  Their 10 year-old girl came to mama's house a few weeks ago and asked mama if she would start taking care of T because her mama said they can't any more.  So sad.  Of course mama said yes.  She is a good cat and never wants to come inside unless it is snowing!  ha.  She is so sweet!  Well, she had kittens.  Like I said they are not responsible pet owners and have never gotten her fixed.  This is her 4th litter of kittens and she may be 2 1/2.  She stopped feeding her last set of kittens she had and all 3 of them died.  So, when she showed up at mama's one day about 4 weeks ago super skinny, we figured she had the kittens some where and abandoned them. 

We watched her and tried to figure out where she was going but couldn't.  The 10 year-old looked every where for the possible kittens.  T was great, but no sign of kittens.  The neighbor who rang the door bell (I'll get back to that in a sec) was walking his dog a few weeks ago and stopped and asked mama if that cat was hers.  She explained the story (see above).  She told him that she plans on getting her fixed very soon.  He said that if she couldn't, he would.  Very sweet.  But mama explained that she had already talked to the vet about it.  He told mama that T eats at their house every day, too!  LOL!  And she is a little cat!

Okay, so he rings the door bell, and tells mama "You are the proud new owner of 2 kittens!"  Oh my.  Mama was so excited.  T had the kittens over 4 weeks ago and we haven't seen them.  We thought they had died.  The neighbor explained that T had brought them into his garage after the storms.  That is right.  The poor kitties were outside some where during the bad storms.  He told mama that she was welcome to come get them or they could stay in his garage.  Of course we went and got them!  LOL!  Mama is NOT going to keep them, and they ARE NOT coming in the house.  T loves being in mama's garage, and we made a bed for she and the babies.  They are SO clean and very healthy.  T has done a GREAT job taking care of them. 

What an awesome distraction for mama.  We will probably only have them for about 2 weeks before they are big enough to go to their new homes.  This is the perfect 2 weeks for that. 

Last night mama, the hubby, and I had a nice relaxing night at mama's house.  Our church is still without electricity, so church was cancelled last night.  I feel much better today!  And the pharmacy is open!  They still don't have power, but they got a generator. 

Wow.  Is it really only Thursday?

A Very Trying Week...

I really don't even know where to start.  I don't want to make this an unbelievably long post, but I think I will feel better if I can just get it all out.

Warning:  If you are not an animal lover, then you might not want to read this post.  You will more than likely find it pretty ridiculous.

On Monday, I really did not feel well.  (It is that time of year for me!)  I left work a little early to go to the doctor.  I got through at the doctor's office about 3:30 and called my mom to let her know that it was just another sinus/ear infection.  She was hysterical.  This is not normal for my mother.  She told me that my dog (P)and her dog (M) had killed one of her cats.  Remember me mentioning that P had hurt a stray cat that mama had inside at her house?  Well apparently she and M decided that this was fun and not only hurt, but killed one of my mom's cats.  Horrible.

My mom's cats are her family.  My dad was not a cat fan, so we never got to have one.  3 months after my dad passed away, my mom brought home 3 cats who needed homes.  She also has a 13 year-old dog (H) and a 2 year-old dog (M).  Well, we cannot have P living with us full time because of my husband's job (long story).  So, my husband and I rescued 2 tiny baby kittens a year and a half ago, and we were going to keep one and find one a home, but could not find a suitable home so we ended up with 2.  We thought we could keep them because they never left our apartment, but it turns out no.  My mom insisted that we let her keep them for us for now and that they could come visit when P came to visit us.  Remember my mom only lives 7 miles from us, so we could see them daily. 

So here is a run down:  My mom has her dogs, M and H, and my dog P living with her.  (3)  She also has her 3 cats, S, S, and E.  She has our 2 cats O and S.  And the stray, A.  (6)  6+3=9.  Nine animals may seem like a little much to some, but it made my mom very happy.  She had decided to try and find a home for a few of her babies because she realized it was a little much, but hadn't yet.

Now back to Monday.  No one was home.  We really don't know what happened and never will.  H was in a crate because she is old and has accidents.  Stray cat A was in a crate because she is still hurt.  But P, M, S, S, E, O, and S were all in the house.  P and M were covered in scratches and blood, so it was obvious that they had killed S. 

I leave my prescription at the pharmacy and rush to my moms.  She had already called my husband and asked him to come bury S.  Right before he got there she found the other S and she was badly hurt.  Oh my goodness.  It was horrible.  My mom and husband rushed her to the vet.  I looked frantically for S and O.  E was walking around meowing.  She was fine, but we were afraid they had hurt S and O.  My husband left my mom at the vet and came home to help me look for S and O.  After about an hour my husband found O in my moms closet (the door was closed.  I guess he closed it behind him?) on top of her dresser in the leg of a pair of her pants. 

I picked mama up from the vet.  The vet said he hoped S was going to be okay but it was touch and go.  Big storms were brewing.  Mama helped us look for S.  Mama's house looked like a crime scene.  It was scary!  At about 6:30 p.m. we finally found our S.  Thank goodness she was fine.  My husband buried my mom's S while I took the dogs to our apartment and bathed and mediacted them.  I called my MIL and they would take P for me and my SIL would take M.  The vet said that P and M could never be trusted around cats again.  Once they kill, they can never be trusted again.  

My heart was broken!  It was broken for my mom.  MY dog had done this.  She is an awesome dog who never does ANYTHING wrong.  She is 6 1/2 and had never hurt a cat until the stray A.  What happened???  

I cried.  My mom cried.  My husband cried.  Not only did my mom lose a cat, but she had to say good bye to her dog.  She loved M!  And S was at the vet and we weren't sure if she would make it. 

While I was bathing P and M my husband called and said that there was a big storm coming and he had to get back to work.  (He is responsible for 80+ people and he had to make sure they were safe during the storm).  P and M were all cuddled in my bathroom, and I called my MIL to let her know we were not going to be able to bring P and M the 1.5 hours to their house that night because of the storms.  That I would take off work on Tuesday and bring them.  They stayed at our apartment where there are no cats Monday night.

I walked out the door to go to my moms house when the tornado sirens started going off. 

Really???

I went in our bathroom with P and M and sat on the floor with them.  My husband called me on my phone and told me that he had talked to the police station and they had sounded the sirens early.  My town has had quite a few bad tornadoes, so they sound the sirens often to make sure everyone stays safe.  I am okay with that!

So I jump in my car and drive quickly to my mom's house just in case.  I really didn't want her to be alone.  As soon as I pull up, the sirens start going off again.  We head to the safe room with H and E, S, and O join us.  A was safe in the bathroom.  (She doesn't get along very well with others, obviously.) 

A tornado did touch down in our town.  It hit a mile north of my mom's neighborhood and a mile south of my mom's neighborhood.  We lost power, but luckily there was no damage to mama's house.  My husband called and told me NOT to try to come home that there were lines down and trees every where.  So, I stayed at my mom's house in the dark.  Where my husband and I live was hit hard!  There is not a tree or power line left! 

We got power back around 6 a.m.  (We found out because we left the bedroom light on, and it came on when we got power back!  Ha.)  We got up around 8 a.m.  We checked the weather and we had until 3 p.m. before round 2 of the storms came.  Yes, you heard that right......round 2.  Mama got ready and we headed to my place.  This was not an easy trip.  We dodged power lines and trees the whole way.  The town looked awful.  But luckily no one was killed!  We picked up P and M and headed to my SIL's. 

The vet called and said that S was not doing well and he was worried about her.  He said that they did not have power, so they were closed but he would check on her regularly and let mama know if there was any change.

We made it to my SIL's.  My mom was very upset to let M go, but she knew she could not trust her any more.  My SIL has a dog the same breed around the same age who really needed a friend, so it worked out great......but was still very sad!

Then to my MIL to leave my baby.  I was so sad.  Still very mad at her for what she had done, but very sad.  At this point, I hadn't even gotten to talk to my husband about what our dog had done.  He loved those cats, too, and was so mad about the whole situation.

P is our baby.  We got her right after our 1 year anniversary.  We love her like she is our first child.  She has been there for both of us through all of our infertility journey.  I love S and O.  We got them when they were babies a little over a year ago.  They have lived with my mom more than they have lived with us, but some how they know we are their mom and dad and are very attached to us.  S loves my husband and O is my baby.  What were we going to do??  I felt like we had to choose.  We had to choose whether we wanted P or S and O.  Oh my.  A parent should never have to choose, but I was not going to put S and O in danger.  P is not aggressive.  She has never bitten a person, never even growled at a person.  She is actually pretty timid.  I know.  It doesn't make sense.  But all animals have instincts.  We can't be mad at her for being an animal. 

I left P in tears with my mother-in-law.  I totally trust her, but I won't get to see P every day.....unless I drive a 3 hour round trip daily......and believe me, I have thought about it, but that might be a little ridiculous.  ha.  

Well, we made it home by 3.  Remember where I was when this all started.....at the pharmacy waiting on my medicine.....that I never got.  I am feeling pretty horrible by this point.  Not just emotionally drained, but I was running a fever and just feeling crummy.  So we go by the pharmacy to pick up my meds.....it is closed because of no electricity.  I call my doctors office and the pharmacy close to them is OPEN!  Hooray!  So I am just praying that the pharmacy hadn't filled my meds the day before, because then my insurance would not pay for it 2 days in a row even though I didn't actually have the first prescription in hand.  Luckily they had not!  Another hooray!  So, I get my medicine, take my husband his charged cell phone.....remember we still don't have electricity at our place.  I charged it at my mom's.  And we are running trying to get back to my mom's by the time round 2 starts.  I hated to leave my husband, but he is so busy during storms I wouldn't get to see him any way.......and I am NOT good at roughing it and my mom's electricity sounded a lot better than none.  So I pack a bag and we race back to my mom's house in time to catch all 3 cats and 1 dog and head to the closet.  Whew! 

While in the closet, the vet calls and says S died.  I was heart broken all over again, just like my mom.  Oh.  I feel so bad for her!  I can't imagine.  The vet was trying to get home before the storms, so he said he would bring S by the next day so we could bury her.  My mom went from 5 pets to 2 in 2 days.  I can't imagine!

More coming soon, but I am tired.



Music Monday-My Savior My God

Today was just kind of an off day.  Not necessarily a bad day, but nothing seemed to go right.  I was not going to post tonight.  Well, mainly because I just didn't really have much to say......then I am listening to Pandora radio and this song comes on.  It is perfect for today.  It lifted my spirits, and I hope it lifts yours.