That pretty much sums up how I felt today. Ugh. The reality of will I ever be a mother would not leave my mind today. I am so mad at myself.
I really did try. I really did try not to make today about me. I HAVE to make myself stay off Facebook and ban myself from reading blogs around holidays like this that I know are going to be hard. I told myself that I wasn't going to after how hard it made Easter, but I did it anyway. Ugh.
I went to church with my mom. That was harder than I remembered from last year or the year before, or the year before.....you get the point. But my mom smiled the whole time. Made it worth it.
Then we went out to lunch where the waiter proceeds to tell me Happy Mother's Day. Okay, It was my mom, my husband and I. Don't you think if I had children that they would be with me on MOTHER'S day?? Then he comes back around with special Mother's Day chocolates and says how many mothers do we have at this table?? Really?? Do you have to rub it in. Poor guy. I know he just doesn't know. I managed to keep my mouth shut, but he definitely got a look.
Then off to the movies. It was a great movie, but of course someone in the movie gets pregnant and does not want to be. Ugh. I know, it is just a movie, but I was a little over sensitive today! LOL!
Then on to grocery shopping. Remind me to never do that on a "over sensitive emotion day." Oh my, I noticed every kiddo in that store. There was a dad who very obviously didn't usually do the grocery shopping with a list and 2 children in tow. It was obviously a Mother's Day gift to his wife. I couldn't help but smile and want to cry at the same time.
Not to mention that my husband could do nothing right today. Poor guy wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling too sorry for myself to feel sorry for him. I am usually pretty even keeled when it comes to my emotions, and he just doesn't know what to do with me on days like today. We fought over the stupidest stuff all day. Ugh.
I tried. Very unsuccessfully, but I tried. My mom did thank me for my efforts. LOL! She told me she had a great Mother's Day, but I know she was worried about me. Even though I never told her how much Mother's Day hurts, I know she could tell. Even though I never got upset in front of her today. I know she knows. She is my mom.
Tomorrow is a new day, and at least it doesn't have a crazy name placed on it like "Mother's Day!" LOL! Tomorrow will be a better day!
Lord, please help all of my friends who desire so desperately to be a mom have faith in you. Please help them to rely on you. Lord, please use me. Please make this pain have a purpose.