Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Weight Loss Update

I did not realize it had been so long since I posted on this blog.  I just wanted to brag  give a little update on my weight loss.  A huge milestone happened yesterday, and I want to remember this date!  Ha!

Okay, so in early September I was getting very frustrated because every morning when I got dressed I was having to try 2 or 3 outfits on before I found one that fit.  Fit=not too big!  I mean it was exciting that most of my clothes were too big, but frustrating at the same time.  So, my mom came over one night and I tried on EVERY article of clothing in my closet.  EVERY article of clothing.  I felt like I had run a marathon!  Ha!  Seroiusly, t took about 4 hours.

It was nice to clean all of the "too big" clothes out, but left me frustrated with myself.  I had spent entirely too much money on clothes.  To get nice looking plus size clothes you almost have to shell out the big bucks.  I have done the full closet clean out one other time and gotten rid of everything that was too big.  It literally made me sick!  I don't mind getting rid of expensive clothes after they are worn out.  If I have gotten to wear them to death I don't mind at all!  BUT, getting rid of them when you can barely tell they have been worn is not okay.  It really makes me sad. 

So, I made a vow that more expensive clothes until I am at my goal weight.  And, I have a ways to go so I won't be purchasing any clothing items over $20 or $30 for quite a while!  And that is possible now because I CAN SHOP AT ANY STORE!  You heard that right.  No more plus sizes for me!  I can walk into inexpensive stores and buy a $20 pair of pants off the rack.  I really can't believe it.

When I began my weight loss journey I wore a size 22.  And really I was pushing a size 24 I just couldn't make myself buy a 24.  And that is in shirts and pants.  And I am only 5 feet tall.  Not 5 foot something, just 5 foot. 

And yesterday I bought a size 14 jeans.  Yes, you read that right.  I BOUGHT A SIZE 14 JEANS!  I haven't worn a size 14 in anything since I was about 12 years old.  When I was a senior in high school, I went on a specialized diet where I had to see a doctor once a month and get monitored and take special vitamins.  It was basically a very low carb low sugar diet.  It was the only thing that had ever been successful for me (which makes since now because of my PCOS diagnosis) and I lost enough weight to wear some 14s, but I still wore a 16 in jeans.  

I truly was in shock!  The one pair of jeans that I still have after the great closet clean out of 2011 is a 16.  My mom had mentioned that she felt like they were getting a little big.  I didn't really think so.  So yesterday when I ran to a local store that was having a sale on jeans I naturally tried on a pair of 16s.  They were WAY too big.  I had to control myself from screaming to the sales lady to GO GET ME A 14!  Ha!  So needless to say, it was a very exciting time for me.

I also have another funny story.  I have always worn a size XL in t-shirts.  In high school, college, and now every time I order a t-shirt I order an XL.  (Except those few times I had to order a 2XL.)  So, we ordered new t-shirts at work a few weeks ago.  I ordered an XL.  When it came in I was so excited to try it on.  It is a long sleeve t-shirt.  The sleeves hung about 12 inches past my hands.  The shoulders were almost at my elbows, and the shirt hit me right below my knees.  Seriously.  I could have added a belt and worn the shirt as a dress.  I was a little disappointed that I had wasted money on these shirts that don't fit, but I was SUPER excited when I ordered a large, tried it on for the first time, and IT FIT!  Actually it is even a little big, but not enough to go down to a medium, yet.  A medium.  I NEVER thought I would come close to wearing a medium.  Whew.

I really wanted to call everyone I know and tell them!  Ha!  But I remember when I was having the HARDEST time losing weight.  Hearing someone else lost another clothing size was almost as hard as hearing someone else was pregnant.  It is very frustrating when someone else is losing weight and you are trying your hardest and it isn't going any where.  Or even if you aren't trying that hard but you really wish you could lose weight and it isn't happening for you.  One of the things that hurt my feelings like crazy is when someone else would lose weight and say "I can't wear thses clothes anymore because they are too big.  Do you want them?"  I know it is probably silly for me to be that way, but it bothered me.  

I really wanted to ask a friend of mine if she wanted to go thru my "too big expensive clothes" that I was getting rid of, but I did not want to hurt her feelings.  It was kind of crazy that it just came up in a conversation that she was having with another friend.  So, I just threw it out there and she was very excited to go shopping at my place.  Whew.  I am so glad that turned out well.  I know it may sound silly, but I loved those clothes and it makes me happy that she is going to get to wear some of them and not someone who won't appreciate or take care of them!  (Love you MA!)  

So anyway, there is the longest weight loss update yet!  I haven't weighed in a while, so I don't know numbers, but I will weigh soon so I can put down the exact pounds I have lost!    

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Five Year-Old

Today was my due date.....five years ago.  It just seems impossible to me that I could have a 5 year-old today.  

I have to admit that my first thought when my OB's nurse told me my due date was "Really??? My poor kid's birthday is going to be the 5th anniversary of 9/11!"  Now, I would just like to have my child...whatever his/her birthday might be.

So every year on 9/11, not only do I think about that horrible attack on our country but I also think about my baby that I never met.  
All of the first day of school pictures this year really hit home.  I just kept thinking that next year, that could have been me posting those pictures.

Oh how my life would be different having a 5 year-old.

I often wonder if I would have a 5 year-old boy or a 5 year-old girl?  I wonder if I would be going to soccer games or dance classes?  

And my poor husband.  His birthday is 9/18.  He was going to get a baby for his birthday.  He rarely says anything, but I know he thinks about it every year.

I am sad tonight.  For some reason, more so than most other years.  Maybe because 5 is a milestone, but honestly I'm not really sure.  I just am.

For I know the plan I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Jeremiah 28:11   

Friday, September 2, 2011

Infertility Blogs

I usually don't do SUYL on Kelly's blog, but these blogs have helped me so much and through so much, I wanted to share.

These blogs are girls who are still battling infertility.  They need your support and prayers!!

In Their Journey:

Those blogs are all wonderful have-to-reads!  You won't be sorry you decided to follow their journey!

This is my list of "Life after infertility" blogs.  I really find them encouraging!  Each one of these girls never forget what they have been through and that their are still many of us going through infertility!

Life After Infertility:

I find it encouraging that there are many more blogs listed under "Life After Infertility" than "In Their Journey!"  How about you??  I hope you guys enjoy reading as much as I do!!


Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Car

Getting a new car is something I had wanted for a LONG time!  My husband and I purchased my 4 door family car on our 1st anniversary (almost 8 years ago).  Remember the list?? The *very naive* list of what had to be accomplished before we could start our family.  Purchasing vehicles that were "family friendly" was one of the first steps.  I had a T-Top Firebird (I loved that car!), but it was not suitable for car seats and strollers.
So, I traded it in for the 4 door family friendly car.  It wasn't really what I wanted, but it got great gas mileage, had lots of room, and just made sense.  Almost exactly a year later I found out I was pregnant.  Everything was working out just right.  I did not regret the car purchase one bit!

Well, if you have read this blog before, you all know how that turned out.  And 7 years later, the family friendly car was paid off.  (That was an awesome feeling!)  I planned on keeping the car for as long as it would possibly go.  No car payment=more money saved for IVF.  

Well, about 6 months after I made my last payment, I could tell the car was not going to make it much longer.  :(

Now, here is the kicker.  As soon as my car was paid off (it was running fine at the time) we borrowed money against it to pay off some *not so smart* credit card debt.  What would have taken 30 years if we kept making those payments would be gone in 2 years with the loan from the bank.  Seemed like an awesome idea......

And it was until the car decided to quit.  (As in transmission going out and fuel system biting the dust...more expensive to fix than the car was worth.)  And if you borrow money against something you cannot trade it or sell it.  Luckily my husband's truck would be paid off the next month.  So, I borrowed my husband's truck and my mom's car to get back and forth to work.  (I did not realize how much I took for granted having my own working vehicle!)

Luckily the bank let us trade the lean to my husband's newly paid off truck from my car so we could trade my car.  

Now to decide on what new vehicle I would get.  I had teased my husband that I WAS in fact getting a new Camaro Convertible. :)  Remember how much I loved my T-Top Firebird?!?  (If they came out with a new Firebird I would buy it TOMORROW!)  For many reasons that I will not mention here, we both decided that a G*M product would not be best for us.  

So, how about a Mustang??

A Red Mustang Convertible???

Why not!?!

I did get a lot of "how are kids going to fit in there?" comments.  (Because you know, that is kind of our goal and what we have been working on for over 5 years.)

But I decided I was not doing that anymore.

What is "that" you may ask??

"That" is making every decision based on fertility.  I do not regret any decision I've made or anything that we have given up trying so very hard to have a child.  But, I needed this!  My husband needed this, too!

Until I drove off the car lot in my new red mustang convertible I really did not realize how GREAT it would feel leaving that "family car" behind.  I didn't realize how much that car reminded me of my dream that still has not come true.  

My response to everyone who asked "what about kids?"  "A car seat will fit in the back seat of a mustang!"  Now, if/when we do get to live our dream of having children I have made sure that it will be possible (by getting an awesome deal on the mustang and only financing for a short time) to trade in the Mustang for a "family friendly" car if that is what we decide to do.
But for now, we are having a blast riding with the top down!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Please Pray...

For my Friend.  I met Lianna through blogging.  We read all of the same infertility blogs.  We began to form a closer friendship when it seemed like every other infertile that we read about was finally pregnant......but us.  She has offered me so much encouragement.  I am absolutely heart broken for her.  Please visit her blog here and offer her prayers.  Thanks!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Where Do We Fit?

I haven't totally forgotten about this blog.  My husband and I have been super busy with our recent move, purchase of a new car, and many out of town guests.  (A post on the new car coming soon.  Best. Decision. In. A. LONG. Time.)

And so the same question comes up again.......where do we fit in? 

Last night I went to a meeting at my church.  We have a new (wonderful) children's minister and she led an informative meeting.  I am pretty sure I have mentioned here before that I lead the preschool class on Wednesday nights.  Highlight of my week!  For real!  I don't know what I would do without those girls.  So, I went to the meeting hoping that there was some way I can help our churches ministry to children grow.  About half way through the meeting a few of the ladies said that they would not be able to teach a children's Sunday School class because they are teaching new adult classes.  I was all ears because we have not attended a Sunday school class yet, and I know what a blessing Sunday school classes can be.

One lady says she is going to be teaching a new young adult Sunday school class.  And she described it as college age up to about 25 or so.....":before they start having kids".  Then the next lady described the class she was going to be teaching as "the families in their 30s with young children."  I mean I totally get it.  If you want to grow the children's Sunday school program, you have to have a place where the parent's feel comfortable.  It is truly a great idea.

But, where do we fit in? 

I mean my husband and I are both over 30, and I don't want to be the oldest couple in a class with nothing but college kids.  But we don't have kids yet, and I don't know if a can handle being the only couple in our class without children.......which is how it would be. 

So, once again we just probably won't go. 

I really hate to be that way.  But for some reason I can handle being around the young children........but their parents is another story.  I enjoy the children and they truly make me forget that I have any worries.  But to listen to their parents tell cute stories when we don't have any to share, plan birthday parties that we won't be included in, set up play dates that we won't be attending for obvious reasons, discussions about child care centers that we don't have to worry about yet, or huge sales on children's clothes at Gymboree which is a place we never shop, I'm afraid I would lose it. 

I really hate to be this way.

Why does infertility affect so many areas of our lives?

It isn't just that I don't have a baby.  It is so much more.

So, where do we fit, or do we just not even try.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Infertility Resume Continued-2008

Okay, so this is another one of those times that I wish I had kept better documentation.  We took a break from fertility meds.  I remember talking to my OB about putting me on BC right after we stopped the treatments.  He asked me if I thought I could handle not being on BC and "trying on our own for a while."  Of course I said YES!  I remember being so excited that he thought it might happen.....we might get pregnant on our own.

Well, I remember it wasn't long and I started having crazy periods again.  First they were 40, then 50, then 60 days apart.  (Talk about getting your hopes up that you are pregnant!)  Then they started their every 14 days again.  So, I made an appointment to see him again.  He put me back on BC.  He tried Lybrel which is one of the BC's that you don't have a period on.  Well, we quickly found out that my body does NOT like those.  I remember spotting for a whole month.  Ugh.

So, he decided that I should stay on the BC and stop taking it for 5 days every time I spotted for more than one day in a row.  I don't remember why he didn't want to just change my BC, but there was a good reason.  It actually worked much better and I started feeling great after a few months!  My OB was wonderful!  I'm still so sad he moved!

The notes from our HRE (horrid re) state that I called on 3-4-08 to make an appointment to consult with our HRE to discuss starting treatments again.

Our appointment with HRE was on 4-7-08.  He decided to DC my BC, try letrozole2.5 mg x 5 days, and do a mid cycle scan.  This is the first time we discussed IUI.  It also says we discussed gonadotropins (injections) verses ovarian drilling, but I don't remember that at all.  I was probably very over whelmed, or we never actually discussed it.  I don't know.

I remember having to sign a consent to take letrozole because it was not an FDA approved fertility medicine.  I remember that it was a cancer medicine.  Anyway, it was kind of a last resort.  It is what they try on women that clomid and femara don't work on.  

I called on 4-25-08 to tell them I had started my cycle and the meds.  I scheduled my day 13 ultrasound for 5-7-08.
5-7-08--left ovary 24.6, 13.9.  right ovary 20.5.  Endo thickness-7.71.  (basically perfect.)  We decided against IUI, mainly because of the extra cost and my husband has no issues with his sperm.  The doctor couldn't tell me that it would make that much of a difference.

5-7-08--Had Ovidrel injection at 8 pm to try to get my ovary to release the egg.  My OB's wife/my boss gave me the injection.  I was still too scared to give myself a shot!  

5-9-08--had to call to find out if I was supposed to take progesterone this cycle.  By the way, I was supposed to already be taking it and no one told me.  ugh.  (I remember the break down that came with this.)

5-19-08--I started.  After an almost perfect cycle.

5-22-08--had day 3 ultrasound to see if I was cleared for next treatment.  In the notes, it states that my right ovary is in the normal position, and my left ovary is behind my uterus.  It is always like that.  It pretty much makes vaginal ultrasounds a little (okay a lot) uncomfortable.  It also makes me wonder if that is part of what is wrong.  A very tilted uterus and a left ovary behind my uterus.  Nothing is where it is supposed to be.  That can't be helpful in the whole pregnancy process.  And, just a side note:  I have had to help more than one person do a vaginal ultrasound on me find my ovary.  I know pretty much exactly where the wand should be to be able to see my left ovary.  Sounds crazy, but it is more comfortable than letting them look around.  Uncomfortable.

5-22-08--I had no large cysts!!  YAY!  I got to move right on to the next cycle.  Same protocol as last time, but we decided that if the HRE decided that the results from the meds were as good as the last time we would do IUI.  

5-29-08--Ultrasound says 11.9, 10.1, and 18.9 on left.  11.1 and 10.5 on right.  I remember being very disappointed.  I had lab drawn.  I keep forgetting to mention that, but every time I stepped into the HRE's office I had lab drawn.  Just a part of it.  Dr. B decided to do a follow up ultrasound in 2 days to see if the follicles had progressed.  He also explained IUI.

6-2-08--left ovary 10.1, 16, 12.9.  right ovary 13.  Endo thickness 7.66.  ugh.  

6-2-08--got lab results.  Was told to start OPK (ovulation predictor kit) as if I had a surge I was to call.  We decided to go ahead with IUI this cycle.  

Apparently I had no surge with my ovulation predictor kits.  We talked about it and decided not to do IUI this cycle because we wanted to save it for when we had better results.  

6-19-08--I started.  Again.

6-23-08--came in for day 3 ultrasound.  Small cysts on both ovaries, but decided to go ahead with treatment.  Decided to change protocol.  Femara 2.5 days 5-9.  Bravelle injections 75 units days 10-12.  Ultrasound day 13.  Decide when to do IUI on day 13.

I remember how scary doing those injections was for me.  I decided I couldn't ask my boss to give me injections everyday for 3 days so I was going to be a big girl and do it myself!  ha.  So I did.  I gave myself shots in my stomach.  It really was so easy and not bad at all!  

7-1-08--left ovary 12.1, 10.3.  right ovary 17.5.  endo thickness 8.33.  HRE decided 1 more day of bravelle injections then lab to determine when to do ovidrel and IUI.  

 I remember getting the phone call to give myself the ovidrel immediately and I was ready for IUI the next day!  so EXCITING!  I had to call my husband and ask him to bring my ovidrel to work.  I remember sitting in my bosses office to give myself that shot.  I shared an office with another girl, and she had a parent in our office!  ha.  

7-2-08 was my first IUI.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember that we waited FOREVER after my husband gave his sample.  I was afraid something was wrong.  There I was sitting in an exam room undressed from the waist down for over an hour!  Ugh!  This place had no regard for their patience's comfort.  I remember the IUI being pretty uncomplicated once it finally happened.  I remember laying on that hard table with my feet up in the air for 10 minutes afterwards.

It really wasn't painful at all right afterwards.  We came home and packed the camper to go to the lake.  We left a few hours later.  After we got there I was in so much pain!!  When I do ovulate it is pretty painful.  I was hoping that was why I was hurting.  

7-14-08--had negative pregnancy test.  ugh.

7-24-08--started my period.  We decided to take a break from treatments.  

The IUI was the last time that I walked into that office.  Fertility treatments are a very emotional process.  I believe that everyone working in a RE office should be respectful and realize what all of the couples coming in there are there for.  I believe that they should have sympathy.  I believe that fertility treatments are very touchy and costly and everyone should remember that.  I believe that when going through something so tough I should not be just a number.  I believe that before the doctor walks in the room that he should read my chart and at least know my name and what treatment protocol we have decided on.  I believe that I should be informed of what I should do next and what meds to take and that I shouldn't have to call multiple times and ask multiple questions before I get answers.  I believe I should never hear you should have already been taking that when no one told me.  

The above is what prompted us to not go back to this RE and find a new one.  We took a very long break from treatments due to trying to save money,  finding a new RE, and trying to get an appointment with our new RE. 

I have also decided to let it go.  I have held onto my deep dislike for my HRE for too long.  Yes, I do still believe that if they had taken more time to talk to me, get to know me and my medical problems, and really tried to help me I would not be in the place I am now.  But I also know that I was clueless and uneducated on infertility and that was my fault.  I am to blame, also.  I also know that this was a very good learning experience for me.  I learned that you do have to do your own research and take responsibility for your own illness.  You cannot whole heartedly trust that a doctor is doing what is in your best interest.  At least this experience did not have to do with a life/death situation.  It could have been worse.  And I learned one of the hardest life lessons I have learned to date.  
And I'm going to let it go.

Of course I ended up back on BC because I started having my period every 14 days again.  This is when I was told to always either be on BC or fertility treatments because not doing one or the other could cause uterine disease which could lead to cancer.

May not sound like a big deal, but it was huge to me.  That statement totally took away the possibility of me getting pregnant "on my own."  That was when I started to realize that I may never get pregnant.  This was one of the hardest parts of our journey and when I think I was feeling down the most.

Monday, June 20, 2011

What is in Such a Tiny Pill??

Last Thursday I forgot my birth control pill.  I did not realize it until Saturday.  Thank goodness for the days of the week listed on the pill pack!  Thursday night I was very sick at my stomach and just blamed it on something I ate, but I really didn't know why.  Friday I was, well lets just say, a little testy.  ha.  I thought maybe it was because I had gotten so hot sitting outside at a little festival where my mom and I had a booth. 

Usually when I get hot I don't like to eat much, but on Friday I could NOT get enough to eat!  It was crazy.  I kept telling my mom, "I don't know what is wrong with me, but I just don't feel like myself!"  I chalked it up to the heat.

On Saturday morning we were on our way back to the festival and I was taking my medicine.  I actually looked at my birth control when I took it and it said I was taking Friday's pill when it was Saturday.  Ut Oh!  I knew I had in fact taken it on Friday, so I started putting the pieces together and realized it must have been Thursday that I missed my pill.

By Saturday my face had started breaking out, and I was just SO tired.  I decided to take an extra pill Saturday night when I ate.  I knew it might make me a little sick at my stomach, but I can handle that if I feel a little more like me.

My mom and I got very hot, too hot in fact, at the festival.  We came home earlier than planned on Saturday.  I was hot, tired, sweaty, etc., when I got home, BUT I could NOT stop cleaning!  It was crazy!  I don't know why, but when I am not on birth control I have some very serious OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) symptoms.  My husband had not gone with us to the festival, so he was very happy to see me when we got home.  Poor guy.  I really seem to take things out on him when my hormones are not right. 

I started bossing him around the minute I walked in the door, and then I would start apologizing.  It is like I just can't control what comes out of my mouth, and I have NO patience.  Especially with him.  Of course I told him what I had done.  He offered to fix me something to eat so I could get that extra pill in my system.  ha.

Sunday morning I did feel much more like myself.  I was a little sick at my stomach and I slept most of Sunday away, but I can handle that much better than my OCD bossy self!  Oh, and by the way, as hot, tired, sweaty, and CRAZY as I was when I got home on Saturday, I cleaned my place from top to bottom.  Ugh.  I just couldn't stop. 

But, even though it helped my ahem...attitude....ahem, I am broken out, hungry, tired, and my ovaries and uterus hurt.  Okay, so I know it sounds silly to say my ovaries and uterus hurt, but after you have taken as many fertility meds as I have you know RIGHT where your ovaries are.  And after having a DNC, I know RIGHT where my uterus is. 

And believe me, it could be much worse, and I definitely realize that, but it just amazes me what all is in that tiny little pill.  I am SO thankful for that tiny little pill and believe me, I am going to try my hardest not to forget to take that tiny little pill again!

Well, and speaking of fertility meds, we are moving into a new place in the middle of July sometime.  So, I decided to start cleaning out a few cabinets so there isn't quite as much to do when it gets closer.  The first one I tackled was the medicine cabinet.  I truly did not expect to find anything that made me sad, but boy was I wrong.  I found progesterone from 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010.  Okay, so maybe when I was done with it because I wasn't pregnant I just threw it in the cabinet and didn't look at it again.  I was reading the dates and most of them were summer dates.  It made me kind of sad because this is the first summer in 5 years that we haven't been doing fertility treatments.

Don't get me wrong, summer is a horrible time to be doing fertility treatments, but it is easiest with my husband's job and it just always seemed to work out that summer is when we had the most money saved.  So, that is how we have spent our summers.  No, I do not enjoy fertility treatments, but they are kind of exciting and always gave me hope that this might be IT!  So, I have to admit, it made me kind of sad that we are not doing treatments this summer. 

I also found some bravelle.  I almost made me sick.  That stuff is SO expensive!  If I had known it was in there I would have donated it to someone who was having trouble paying for their fertility treatments. 

I also found an empty package of birth control.  I looked at the date and rememberd why I kept it.  It was the last BC I took before I started my fertility treatments last spring at my new RE clinic.  I had a lot of hope.  I wanted to be able to look at that empty BC package and know it was the last package I would take for almost a year.  I just knew this was going to be IT! 

I did throw it all away, the progesterone, the bravelle, the out of date ovulation predictor kits, the out of date pregnancy tests, and the empty package of birth control.  And it made me kind of sad.

Obviously the treatments did not work, but it was nice to remember how much hope I had.  So, now I am ready.  I have found the motivation I needed.  I am ready to get in shape and start saving for IVF.

Isn't it funny how God works sometimes??  He even works through the cleaning out of medicine cabinets.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Overweight and Infertility

You can call it uneducated, naive, denial, or many other words, but I honestly had no clue that my weight would affect my fertility.  I had always known something wasn't quite right.  I really didn't over eat very often.  I did not always make the best choices, but my choices vs. the large amount that I am/was over weight didn't add up.  Yes, I could have exercised more, made better choices, and learned to stop eating before I was miserable, but it still didn't add up.

I have been over weight since I was about 6 years-old.  Not morbidly obese, but enough that it was definitely noticeable. 

I had an adult neighbor growing up who was a huge influence in my life.  She likes to talk, as do I.  My mom and I would often meet up with her in the street between our 2 houses and talk.  Before we knew it 2 hours had gone by and we are still standing in the street talking!  (Needless to say I did not grow up on a very busy street.  ha!)  She had 4 children, her oldest son being a year younger than me.  She then had 2 more sons and a daughter.  I babysat the 3 younger ones quite often. 

I remember one of our conversations one time just between the 2 of us standing in our street. She said to me, "Well, it has begun.  H's (her daughter) friends have started making fun of her for being fat."  At this time H was about 7 years-old.  She was a healthy child and maybe had a little belly, but no where close to obese.  She continued to tell me that it just broke her heart to have H coming home from school crying because the other girls were being mean and making fun of her. 

Then she says, "How do you handle it?"  Me a little confused says, "Handle what?" 

See, I had honestly never let my weight control me.  Thanks to my natural temperament (that I was born with) and my awesome mom who continuously fed my self esteem, I really most of the time did not let my being over weight bother me.  So much so, sometimes I even forgot I was over in this situation.

Then she says, "Your weight.  You don't seem to let it bother you."  And I am sure I kind of giggled, which I do in most situations, and told her that I had decided along time ago (I was only maybe 14 or 15. lol) that if "someone doesn't like me for me then I don't need them in my life."  She was a very expressive person and with her jaw dropped and her eyes bugging she says something like, "How do I teach H to be like you? I want her to feel that way!  Wow."  She then told me that most adults still haven't learned that in their life, and she thought it was great that I could feel that way.  She then of course asked me if I would talk to H about the girls making fun of her and encourage her that she didn't need friends like that.  H and I were like *this (fingers crossed).  (H even had my phone number memorized and say maybe her mom was very busy running 4 children around and maybe sometimes forgot to pick H up from dance class, and H would call, "Mom forgot me at dance AGAIN.  Can you please come get me?"  LOL!  So, of course I would.)

Now, don't get me wrong.  I was made fun of.  I am sure there were a few tears shed.  But, I had plenty of friends ......and even boyfriends ........who loved me for me.  So, H soon lost her baby/young kid weight and became a beautiful young lady.  I am pretty sure she didn't have to worry about the struggles that her mom was concerned she would have her whole life.  Thankfully!

But me, well, I have never gotten rid of the overweight status.  And honestly I still feel the same way I did at 14.  But, this whole being overweight affects your fertility really stinks.  All that time I had spent excepting my being over weight.  Not that I think it was necessarily a "bad" thing that I excepted it, but I never had a clue that it would be one major piece the puzzle.  The puzzle that is keeping me from being pregnant.  No, being over weight isn't necessarily the only thing that is keeping me from being pregnant, but it is a large piece of the puzzle.  It pretty much throws a curve ball at what I have spent me life excepting. 
Now I heard from many doctors in my life that it would make my asthma better if I would lose a little weight.  I just let it roll right on by me.  Ha.  I had heard from a few doctors after I had a bad car wreck that injured my ankle that if I would get some weight off my ankle it would help it heal.  I also let that roll on by. 

Me, stubborn???  Never!

So when I hear from my first RE that losing weight would help my fertility, I honestly let it roll on by.  I thought, just like in every other situation, that losing weight always helps every situation......but I had overcome all of my other medical issues without losing weight, so why was fertility any different.  Boy was I wrong!

I have to say that I could tell it made my HRE (horrid reproductive endocrinologist)  feel uncomfortable to tell me that I needed to lose weight.  He did not harp on it at all.  He said it once and never mentioned it again.  It wasn't until I kept having fertility struggles that I did my own research and found out that losing weight could really make the biggest difference in my fertility.  It could make more of a difference than any of the fertility drugs.

So I tried.  I exercised more.  I ate what I thought was better.  I definitely ate less. 
Annnnnddddd nothing. 
I couldn't lose a pound. 
I just kept packing them on. 

Then I remembered that when I was in college and was put on BC for female issues, I lost weight.  Most people gain weight on BC.  It was all beginning to click.

Then I went to see my new WRE (wonderful reproductive endocrinologist) and he gave it to me straight.  He told me that my PCOS is likely why I had been overweight my whole life.  He asked me if I had tried to lose weight on my on and been unsuccessful.  With tears streaming down my face I said yes.  *Finally, someone understands!*  He told me that with my PCOS, I couldn't do it on my own.  He prescribed metformin and told me to pick a diet.  Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc., and do it.  He told me he wanted me to lose 25 pounds before I saw him again.  I thought to myself......."It will NEVER happen.  I've tried this before."

I joined Weight Watchers, and to my surprise, it worked!  I have lost 45 pounds since I first met with my WRE.  I appreciate that he doesn't look like he feels uncomfortable when he tells me to lose weight.  I appreciate that he isn't cruel about it.  I appreciate that he told me my PCOS is not my fault and that is why I could never lose weight. 

But I'm stuck.  I want to still lose weight (believe me I still have plenty I could lose!), but it isn't happening as "easy" as it was for me.  I use the term "easy" lightly.  I just don't know where to go from here.  I have almost lost my motivation.  YES, I still very much so desire to be pregnant and I know losing weight could help IVF be successful, but where do I go from here. 

I have GOT to find my motivation, and I am really hoping that writing this all out will help me find it!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Heart is Broken For You

Wow!  What a day!  I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been great.  Just not a lot to say.  It just kind of comes and goes I guess.  

But today, not just 1 but 2 of my infertility buddies got told "no" after their 2 week wait.  Ugh.  I just hurt for them.  I almost feel like it is me.  Sounds crazy, I know.  But I just had my hopes so high for both of them.  One of them just began her journey and another who has been on her journey for a while. 

Please pray for them!  (All 2 of you who read.  ha!  But still....any prayers can't hurt.)  

Amy from Chapters posted a video on her blog.  Please go watch it and leave her some words of encouragement!  She is SO brave to be so open. 

This song always helped me when I heard "no".  Sometimes there are just no words.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Infertility Resume Continued-2007

My referral was sent from my OB to the HRE (horrid reproductive endocrinologist) on February 5, 2007.  My first appointment with the HRE was on February 15, 2007.  At the time I did not realize how great that was.  It took months for me to get into my WRE (wonderful reproductive endocrinologist).  Well worth the wait....but that is another post.

Looking back at the notes from my HRE just reiterated to me why we chose to go to another clinic.  I'm pretty sure I've already said this, but I think typing out these next two years is going to be tough.  I have a lot of regrets.  I really wish I had educated myself more.  Now that I read back through the doctors notes, I read the numbers and wonder why I ever had my hopes up.  I didn't know those weren't good follicle sizes.  I didn't know that it is not medically possible for me to get pregnant with that endo lining.  

Anyway, at least I know now.  It took me a while to accept my infertility.  It took this experience to learn that all doctors are not all knowing and can and will get your hopes up when there is no reason for them to be.  I learned that in future experiences I need to educate myself more and ask more questions.  I learned to follow my gut, and even though it may seem like everything is pointing towards one direction it may not be the right one. 

Back to my first appointment.  It was very anti-climatic.  The HRE asked a lot of questions, but did not give much information.  In his notes, it says "has some, but not all, features of PCOS."  He didn't tell me that that day.  Well, and thanks to fertility treatments and trying on my own I now have all symptoms of PCOS.  Ugh.  Being on BC keep most of my symptoms dormant before we started TTC. And this was fairly close to the beginning of our journey. 

I keep thinking back to "what if I had known what I know now,"  "What if we had just saved all of that money and done IVF a long time ago," "what if I had just really accepted that something was wrong?"  (To my defense, every doctor I talked to [OB and all 3 HRE's] did not think I should have any problem getting pregnant.  No one understood why I wasn't responding better to the meds.)  

What if I had taken Metformin from the beginning?  What if I had done Weight Watchers and lost weight before trying any treatments?

I guess I will never know. 

I blame myself for not being more educated.  I blame my HRE for not really getting to the bottom of my problems.

Okay, back to my first appointment again...The Plan:
progesterone, TSH, prolactin sent today (Day 26)
SA on husband
HSG after next period (ouch)
Day 3 lab with next period
Return after above to discuss treatment plan

Sounds pretty reasonable, right?  I thought so.

2-16-07--started my period on CD 27 (not too bad for me)
2-19-07--had day 3 blood work (HRE's nurses absolutely stink at drawing blood.  So, maybe I have horrible veins, but they really stink!  I had more horrible bruises from blood draws.  I was stuck 3 and 4 times most visits.  For the record, at my WRE-never been stuck more than once, so it isn't all my veins fault.  ha)
2-19-07-called to get blood work results and of course it was not normal.  It showed that my body was not producing enough of the right hormones and too much of the wrong hormones.  Scheduled my HSG for the next week.
2-27-07--HSG.  (Ouch)  Results were normal.  Uterine Cavity:  Normal
Left Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla
Right Fallopian Tube:  Free Spill, normal ampulla
Normal HSG

I am thankful it was normal.  I hope it still is.  But, it was just another question as to why the meds weren't working and why I wasn't pregnant yet.

3-1-07--I called and made an appointment to review the results with my doctor.  (they never called me.  I called them and was not told to.  you will see this is a trend.)

3-8-07--follow up appointment.  This is where we learned the results from all of the tests.  Husband's SA-great!  (One less thing we have to worry about-but another question...why am I not pregnant yet?)
My blood work was not good.  Of course.  
Plan:  With next period start clomid 200 mgs day 3-7 and dexamethasone days 3-12.
Then Midcycle scan.

Not sure when I started the meds-it's not in the note.  I called on 3-21-07 to see when to come in for MSUS (Mid cycle ultrasound).  
3-31-07--MCUS and lab work-My results from the MCUS were not on the notes.  My lab work was okay, but not good.  It was ordered to have Ovidrel on 3-31-07.  (I had the craziest of the 3 HRE's for this appointment.  He came into the room without even looking at my chart.  He didn't know my name.  He started talking about insemination and I honestly didn't even know what that was.  It hadn't even been discussed with us.  Talk about stressing a girl out!  The nurse had to point out to him that our plan was timed intercourse.  Ugh to crazy doctors!)

4-2-07--I called to find out the next step.  No one told me at my appointment on 3-31-07.  Turns out I was supposed to be on progesterone and no one told me.  Great.  They called in the prescription.

4-17-07--cycle day 1.  In other words--BFN.

4-20-07--Day 3 ultrasound.  "Ultrasound today shows multiple cysts on left ovary.  Findings reviewed with patient.  Questions answered.  Not sure why patient was not better despite good pre-ovulatory follicle size.  Would recommend repeating clomid next cycle and recheck patient 1 week post ovulation.  
Plan:  No stimulation this cycle.  (I was SO disappointed!!)
Take BC for one month  (Another disappointment!)
In 3 weeks repeat scan
Next cycle:  clomid 200 mg+dex+progesterone

4-30-07--my hair started falling out in chunks!  It was scary!  I called and no one could explain to me why.  The HRE called me himself and couldn't explain why.  He said it might be the PCOS.  "PCOS?"  He hadn't even told me he thought I had PCOS.  I was devastated.  This problem I had had a name.  Ugh.  I googled it and that was not the best idea.  That is never the best idea!
(I found out later that the hormone change, especially the progesterone, makes my hair fall out.  No, it doesn't happen in everyone....just lucky me!  And yes, it all grew back.  And yes, it happened with every fertility treatment.  My hair is still coming back from my last treatment.  It is getting really thick because I haven't had a treatment in so long!  Ha!  After it came back the first time I pretty much quit freaking out about it because I know it will come back.)

5-11-07--Went back for ultrasound to check cyst size.  It was 2/3 gone.  Recommended not to do treatment again this month.  Ugh.

5-29-07--I called to schedule follow-up appointment.  No one called me back.

6-4-07--I called to try to schedule a follow-up appointment.  Told me to wait for period.  (Would have been nice if someone would have taken the time to explain things to me!)

6-14-07--called with cycle day 1

6-15-07-- went in for day 3 ultrasound.  Right cyst still present, but decided to proceed with treatment?  (I still have that cyst)  Same as last time 200 mg clomid, dex, progesterone.  Labs drawn of course.

6-26-07--I remember this appointment so well.  Had the really crazy HRE.  He couldn't tell if he was seeing the cyst from before or a follicle.  One measured 20mm one measured 17mm.  I had to go back the next day and pay the same amount for another ultrasound.  Ugh.  

6-27-07--left ovary-22.2 mm, 18.3 mm
right ovary-15.3 mm
Endo lining-6.54 (ugh)

More lab work-shows I need HCG (ovidrel)

6-28-07--I called and was told to start progesterone on Saturday.  Once again, what if I hadn't called??

7-19-07--BFN again.  Decided to take a break.

My follicles had been great for both cycles.  At the time I didn't know my lining was the problem.  I didn't know that mattered.  I should have had clueless stamped on my forehead!  
I'll work on this some more tomorrow.  

Monday, May 9, 2011

Slapped in The Face...

That pretty much sums up how I felt today.  Ugh.  The reality of will I ever be a mother would not leave my mind today.  I am so mad at myself.

I really did try.  I really did try not to make today about me.  I HAVE to make myself stay off Facebook and ban myself from reading blogs around holidays like this that I know are going to be hard.  I told myself that I wasn't going to after how hard it made Easter, but I did it anyway.  Ugh.  

I went to church with my mom.  That was harder than I remembered from last year or the year before, or the year get the point.  But my mom smiled the whole time.  Made it worth it.

Then we went out to lunch where the waiter proceeds to tell me Happy Mother's Day.  Okay, It was my mom, my husband and I.  Don't you think if I had children that they would be with me on MOTHER'S day??  Then he comes back around with special Mother's Day chocolates and says how many mothers do we have at this table??  Really??  Do you have to rub it in.  Poor guy.  I know he just doesn't know.  I managed to keep my mouth shut, but he definitely got a look.

Then off to the movies.  It was a great movie, but of course someone in the movie gets pregnant and does not want to be.  Ugh.  I know, it is just a movie, but I was a little over sensitive today!  LOL!  

Then on to grocery shopping.  Remind me to never do that on a "over sensitive emotion day."  Oh my, I noticed every kiddo in that store.  There was a dad who very obviously didn't usually do the grocery shopping with a list and 2 children in tow.  It was obviously a Mother's Day gift to his wife.  I couldn't help but smile and want to cry at the same time.  

Not to mention that my husband could do nothing right today.  Poor guy wasn't feeling well, and I was feeling too sorry for myself to feel sorry for him.  I am usually pretty even keeled when it comes to my emotions, and he just doesn't know what to do with me on days like today.  We fought over the stupidest stuff all day.  Ugh.

I tried.  Very unsuccessfully, but I tried.  My mom did thank me for my efforts.  LOL!  She told me she had a great Mother's Day, but I know she was worried about me.  Even though I never told her how much Mother's Day hurts, I know she could tell.  Even though I never got upset in front of her today.  I know she knows.  She is my mom.  

Tomorrow is a new day, and at least it doesn't have a crazy name placed on it like "Mother's Day!"  LOL!   Tomorrow will be a better day!  

Lord, please help all of my friends who desire so desperately to be a mom have faith in you.  Please help them to rely on you.  Lord, please use me.  Please make this pain have a purpose.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week (Last Week)

So, National Infertility Awareness Week was actually last week, but read my last week, so better late than never.  I read this survey on Lauren's blog.  Thanks for letting me steal it Lauren!

A. Age when you started TTC (trying to conceive): 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: I'm not really sure what this means.  But since I am on birth control, my guess would be that we are not baby dancing?  LOL!

C. Children wanted: Before starting TTC, we always talked about having 2 or maybe 3 children.  Now, we would be unbelievably stoked to have 1!
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: We have 1 6.5 year-old dog who is our baby!

E.  Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I take a prenatal vitamin every day.  I started this when I got off BC the very first time and then continued when I was pregnant.  I stopped taking them when I miscarried, and I could tell!  I was so tired!  My hair and my nails were not as healthy.  So I still take them even when there is no chance I could get pregnant.  I always probably will.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Femara, Bravelle, Follistim, Ovidrel, a progesterone patch, and Progesterone suppositories......I think that is all?

G. Gain: Too much!!  If I lose 10 more pounds I will weigh the same thing I did when I got married.......but I was over weight then, so I would like to continue to lose.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  Horrid.  Only way to describe it.  I know it was necessary, and I would do it again if I needed to, but it was Horrid!  I am allergic to shellfish, so I had to take 2 benedryl before having the dye pushed through my tubes.  My doctor was oh....4 hours late, and I DO NOT handle benedryl well.  It usually takes me a full 24 hours to sleep it off.  Crazy, I know.  I never would have made a good druggy. Anyway, I already felt horrible from trying to fight off sleep for 4 hours, and then it was so painful!  My HRE said everything looked normal, but I bled a lot for quite a long time.  I had to call in sick the next day because I was still benedryl drunk and in pain.  My boss said she is glad she knows me well, or she would have thought for sure that I was still drunk from the night before when I called in that morning!  LOL!

I.  Infertile Pet Peeves: "When people would tell me to just stop trying and it would happen or when people would tell me they just didn't stress about it and they immediately got pregnant."  I couldn't have said it better, Lauren!  And, I would like to add when people ask you if you are pregnant!  Oh my!  What are some people thinking???  You don't ask someone that!  And when people ask the innocent "When are you going to have kids" question.  Ugh.  I used to dred that.  I now have a rehearsed speech.  Ha. 

J. Job title: Licensed Social Worker, Social Services Consultant
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Well, since you asked I will share all 6!  Ha!  And for the record, even if they get used before we can use them, we are using them anyway.  #1 girl name:  Mary Blanche.  (Mary-my maternal grandmother's name/Blanche-hubby's paternal grrnamother's name)  #2 girl name:  Lynlee Elizabeth.  (Lyn-long time family name on my maternal side, including my niece/Lee-my father-in-law's middle name/Elizabeth-my husband's side of the fam, 2 cousins and an aunt) #3 girl name:  Johanna Charlotte.  (Johanna-my husband's aunt even though it is spelled different/Charlotte-my MIL's name)  #1 boy name:  Joseph Daniel.  (All husband's side)  #2 boy name:  Steven Charles.  (Steven-my maternal grandfather's middle name/Charles-hubby's maternal grandfather's name)  #3 boy name:  John Robert.  (John-hubby's paternal great grandfather's name/Robert-my dad's name)  Whew.  We have had a long time to think about this!  Ha!

L. Length of time TTC: 5 years 6 months

M.  Miscarriages: February 1, 2006

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've had 2 OB's only because my 1st one moved.  I LOVED him!  2 RE's because the first one was horrible!

O. Ovarian quality: This has not really been brought up.  My general problem is getting me to ovulate without deplinishing my uterine lining.  My RE did tell me that I have plenty of eggs, "we just have to make then come out!"  Ha! 

P. POAS or wait for AF (pee on a stick or wait for menstrual cycle): I bought no less than a million pregnancy tests the first 2 or 3 years.  I haven't bought 1 the past 2 years and just wait for AF.  I decided it was wasting money that I could use for treatment. 

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "I can't believe I got pregnant.  I don't even want this kid."  "We really weren't trying.  I think I'm the most fertile person ever!"  "I don't want to spoil my kid, so I think I will start spanking them as soon as they come out."  (This person wasn't kidding).  Did you see my job title above?  I could go on for days.

S. Sperm: My husband's sperm are great.  We still laugh because our first RE asked my husband if he had ever thought about being a sperm donor!  LOL!

T. Time you tried naturally: 1 month, pregnant for 9 weeks, tried on our own for 3 more months before we started having problems.  We have tried on our own for a few months here and there with no success.  Now we have been advised NOT to try on our own.

U. Uterus quality: It's good except for my lining thinning due to fertility meds.

V. Vagina: I have NO shame any more.  More doctors and nurses have seen it in the last 5 years than I ever would have imagined in my life!

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: too much

X.  X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My mom and mother in law are the only ones we call about everything.  A few close friends know some. 
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): I do, and it is probably time.  Need to make that appointment! 
Z.  Zits: If my PCOS is messing up, worse than when I was a teenager.
I hope this wasn't TMI and it helped you learn a little more about our TTC journey! 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Very Trying Week...Part 2

What a 24 hours it dog kills 2 of my mom's cats, a tornado that did a lot of damage, my mom had to say good bye to her dog, and I had to say good bye to my dog.  Wow.  I really do not want another 24 hours like that.

So where I left off Tuesday night.....We sat in the closet for a while.  It is actually pretty comfortable.  We put some memory foam on the floor and had lots of pillows.  My mom read her book, and I played on my iphone.  (What would I do without my iphone?? ha!)  We decided to just hang out in there instead of doing the in and out.  There were many storms coming through one after another and when you want to keep your animals safe it can be challenging to try to do the in and out thing all night.  Luckily we did not lose power!  The police station let my husband know when we had the all clear for the night and he called and let me know. Hooray!  We did not have to sleep in the closet.  And, the storms were not near as bad as they thought they were going to be.  Another hooray! 

I got up Wednesday morning and headed to work after stopping by the pharmacy to see that they are still closed.  I was supposed to start a new pack of BC, but could not get it.  I really hope it does not start my PCOS symptoms again.  I talked to the hubby and we still did not have power at our place.  Everyone had left and they decide to close down until Monday!  Wow!  We may not have power until Monday.  Oh well.  At least mama does.  So he went to mama's house and buried S after the vet assistant brought her by.  I left work early because I was running a fever.  My boss agreed that I wasn't going to get better if I didn't rest.  That is definitely what I had planned.  The sky started looking rough again.  More storms, but thankfully they were just thunder storms.  I hurried home and packed a few more things in a bag and rushed to my mom's before the rain.  It didn't last long, thankfully.  My hubby finally got to take a hot-not cold-shower and we finally got to talk. 

We both feel the same way.  We decided we would ask mama if she would keep S and O for us forever.  E really needs other cat companions, and we can't trust P around S and O.  P is going to live with my MIL except when my husband gets breaks from work and she can come live with us.  (Which, he gets a 3 week break starting next Tuesday!  So she gets to come stay with us!  Then he works for 5 weeks and gets 6 weeks where she can come stay with us again!)  We had already planned our vacation where we can take her, and I am very excited!

I am going to miss having S and O stay with us sometimes, but mama was very happy to keep them forever for us.  They have already started being very loving and friendly to her.  It is like they know. 

So, we are all settled in watching TV and someone rings the doorbell.  It was the neighbor.  Another neighbor (who is not a responsible pet owner.  That is where we rescued S and O.) has a female outside cat that they stopped feeding.  She loves mama, so of course mama has been feeding her.  Their 10 year-old girl came to mama's house a few weeks ago and asked mama if she would start taking care of T because her mama said they can't any more.  So sad.  Of course mama said yes.  She is a good cat and never wants to come inside unless it is snowing!  ha.  She is so sweet!  Well, she had kittens.  Like I said they are not responsible pet owners and have never gotten her fixed.  This is her 4th litter of kittens and she may be 2 1/2.  She stopped feeding her last set of kittens she had and all 3 of them died.  So, when she showed up at mama's one day about 4 weeks ago super skinny, we figured she had the kittens some where and abandoned them. 

We watched her and tried to figure out where she was going but couldn't.  The 10 year-old looked every where for the possible kittens.  T was great, but no sign of kittens.  The neighbor who rang the door bell (I'll get back to that in a sec) was walking his dog a few weeks ago and stopped and asked mama if that cat was hers.  She explained the story (see above).  She told him that she plans on getting her fixed very soon.  He said that if she couldn't, he would.  Very sweet.  But mama explained that she had already talked to the vet about it.  He told mama that T eats at their house every day, too!  LOL!  And she is a little cat!

Okay, so he rings the door bell, and tells mama "You are the proud new owner of 2 kittens!"  Oh my.  Mama was so excited.  T had the kittens over 4 weeks ago and we haven't seen them.  We thought they had died.  The neighbor explained that T had brought them into his garage after the storms.  That is right.  The poor kitties were outside some where during the bad storms.  He told mama that she was welcome to come get them or they could stay in his garage.  Of course we went and got them!  LOL!  Mama is NOT going to keep them, and they ARE NOT coming in the house.  T loves being in mama's garage, and we made a bed for she and the babies.  They are SO clean and very healthy.  T has done a GREAT job taking care of them. 

What an awesome distraction for mama.  We will probably only have them for about 2 weeks before they are big enough to go to their new homes.  This is the perfect 2 weeks for that. 

Last night mama, the hubby, and I had a nice relaxing night at mama's house.  Our church is still without electricity, so church was cancelled last night.  I feel much better today!  And the pharmacy is open!  They still don't have power, but they got a generator. 

Wow.  Is it really only Thursday?

A Very Trying Week...

I really don't even know where to start.  I don't want to make this an unbelievably long post, but I think I will feel better if I can just get it all out.

Warning:  If you are not an animal lover, then you might not want to read this post.  You will more than likely find it pretty ridiculous.

On Monday, I really did not feel well.  (It is that time of year for me!)  I left work a little early to go to the doctor.  I got through at the doctor's office about 3:30 and called my mom to let her know that it was just another sinus/ear infection.  She was hysterical.  This is not normal for my mother.  She told me that my dog (P)and her dog (M) had killed one of her cats.  Remember me mentioning that P had hurt a stray cat that mama had inside at her house?  Well apparently she and M decided that this was fun and not only hurt, but killed one of my mom's cats.  Horrible.
My mom's cats are her family.  My dad was not a cat fan, so we never got to have one.  3 months after my dad passed away, my mom brought home 3 cats who needed homes.  She also has a 13 year-old dog (H) and a 2 year-old dog (M).  Well, we cannot have P living with us full time because of my husband's job (long story).  So, my husband and I rescued 2 tiny baby kittens a year and a half ago, and we were going to keep one and find one a home, but could not find a suitable home so we ended up with 2.  We thought we could keep them because they never left our apartment, but it turns out no.  My mom insisted that we let her keep them for us for now and that they could come visit when P came to visit us.  Remember my mom only lives 7 miles from us, so we could see them daily. 
So here is a run down:  My mom has her dogs, M and H, and my dog P living with her.  (3)  She also has her 3 cats, S, S, and E.  She has our 2 cats O and S.  And the stray, A.  (6)  6+3=9.  Nine animals may seem like a little much to some, but it made my mom very happy.  She had decided to try and find a home for a few of her babies because she realized it was a little much, but hadn't yet.
Now back to Monday.  No one was home.  We really don't know what happened and never will.  H was in a crate because she is old and has accidents.  Stray cat A was in a crate because she is still hurt.  But P, M, S, S, E, O, and S were all in the house.  P and M were covered in scratches and blood, so it was obvious that they had killed S. 
I leave my prescription at the pharmacy and rush to my moms.  She had already called my husband and asked him to come bury S.  Right before he got there she found the other S and she was badly hurt.  Oh my goodness.  It was horrible.  My mom and husband rushed her to the vet.  I looked frantically for S and O.  E was walking around meowing.  She was fine, but we were afraid they had hurt S and O.  My husband left my mom at the vet and came home to help me look for S and O.  After about an hour my husband found O in my moms closet (the door was closed.  I guess he closed it behind him?) on top of her dresser in the leg of a pair of her pants. 
I picked mama up from the vet.  The vet said he hoped S was going to be okay but it was touch and go.  Big storms were brewing.  Mama helped us look for S.  Mama's house looked like a crime scene.  It was scary!  At about 6:30 p.m. we finally found our S.  Thank goodness she was fine.  My husband buried my mom's S while I took the dogs to our apartment and bathed and mediacted them.  I called my MIL and they would take P for me and my SIL would take M.  The vet said that P and M could never be trusted around cats again.  Once they kill, they can never be trusted again.  
My heart was broken!  It was broken for my mom.  MY dog had done this.  She is an awesome dog who never does ANYTHING wrong.  She is 6 1/2 and had never hurt a cat until the stray A.  What happened???  
I cried.  My mom cried.  My husband cried.  Not only did my mom lose a cat, but she had to say good bye to her dog.  She loved M!  And S was at the vet and we weren't sure if she would make it. 
While I was bathing P and M my husband called and said that there was a big storm coming and he had to get back to work.  (He is responsible for 80+ people and he had to make sure they were safe during the storm).  P and M were all cuddled in my bathroom, and I called my MIL to let her know we were not going to be able to bring P and M the 1.5 hours to their house that night because of the storms.  That I would take off work on Tuesday and bring them.  They stayed at our apartment where there are no cats Monday night.
I walked out the door to go to my moms house when the tornado sirens started going off. 
I went in our bathroom with P and M and sat on the floor with them.  My husband called me on my phone and told me that he had talked to the police station and they had sounded the sirens early.  My town has had quite a few bad tornadoes, so they sound the sirens often to make sure everyone stays safe.  I am okay with that!
So I jump in my car and drive quickly to my mom's house just in case.  I really didn't want her to be alone.  As soon as I pull up, the sirens start going off again.  We head to the safe room with H and E, S, and O join us.  A was safe in the bathroom.  (She doesn't get along very well with others, obviously.) 
A tornado did touch down in our town.  It hit a mile north of my mom's neighborhood and a mile south of my mom's neighborhood.  We lost power, but luckily there was no damage to mama's house.  My husband called and told me NOT to try to come home that there were lines down and trees every where.  So, I stayed at my mom's house in the dark.  Where my husband and I live was hit hard!  There is not a tree or power line left! 
We got power back around 6 a.m.  (We found out because we left the bedroom light on, and it came on when we got power back!  Ha.)  We got up around 8 a.m.  We checked the weather and we had until 3 p.m. before round 2 of the storms came.  Yes, you heard that right......round 2.  Mama got ready and we headed to my place.  This was not an easy trip.  We dodged power lines and trees the whole way.  The town looked awful.  But luckily no one was killed!  We picked up P and M and headed to my SIL's. 
The vet called and said that S was not doing well and he was worried about her.  He said that they did not have power, so they were closed but he would check on her regularly and let mama know if there was any change.
We made it to my SIL's.  My mom was very upset to let M go, but she knew she could not trust her any more.  My SIL has a dog the same breed around the same age who really needed a friend, so it worked out great......but was still very sad!
Then to my MIL to leave my baby.  I was so sad.  Still very mad at her for what she had done, but very sad.  At this point, I hadn't even gotten to talk to my husband about what our dog had done.  He loved those cats, too, and was so mad about the whole situation.
P is our baby.  We got her right after our 1 year anniversary.  We love her like she is our first child.  She has been there for both of us through all of our infertility journey.  I love S and O.  We got them when they were babies a little over a year ago.  They have lived with my mom more than they have lived with us, but some how they know we are their mom and dad and are very attached to us.  S loves my husband and O is my baby.  What were we going to do??  I felt like we had to choose.  We had to choose whether we wanted P or S and O.  Oh my.  A parent should never have to choose, but I was not going to put S and O in danger.  P is not aggressive.  She has never bitten a person, never even growled at a person.  She is actually pretty timid.  I know.  It doesn't make sense.  But all animals have instincts.  We can't be mad at her for being an animal. 
I left P in tears with my mother-in-law.  I totally trust her, but I won't get to see P every day.....unless I drive a 3 hour round trip daily......and believe me, I have thought about it, but that might be a little ridiculous.  ha.  
Well, we made it home by 3.  Remember where I was when this all the pharmacy waiting on my medicine.....that I never got.  I am feeling pretty horrible by this point.  Not just emotionally drained, but I was running a fever and just feeling crummy.  So we go by the pharmacy to pick up my is closed because of no electricity.  I call my doctors office and the pharmacy close to them is OPEN!  Hooray!  So I am just praying that the pharmacy hadn't filled my meds the day before, because then my insurance would not pay for it 2 days in a row even though I didn't actually have the first prescription in hand.  Luckily they had not!  Another hooray!  So, I get my medicine, take my husband his charged cell phone.....remember we still don't have electricity at our place.  I charged it at my mom's.  And we are running trying to get back to my mom's by the time round 2 starts.  I hated to leave my husband, but he is so busy during storms I wouldn't get to see him any way.......and I am NOT good at roughing it and my mom's electricity sounded a lot better than none.  So I pack a bag and we race back to my mom's house in time to catch all 3 cats and 1 dog and head to the closet.  Whew! 
While in the closet, the vet calls and says S died.  I was heart broken all over again, just like my mom.  Oh.  I feel so bad for her!  I can't imagine.  The vet was trying to get home before the storms, so he said he would bring S by the next day so we could bury her.  My mom went from 5 pets to 2 in 2 days.  I can't imagine!
More coming soon, but I am tired.