Music Monday-Unredeemed

(Well, actually Music Sunday, because tomorrow is the big appointment with the RE.  The appointment isn't until 3 pm, but it is 3 hours from here so we will be getting home late and I am not sure I will feel like posting.  If you remember, saying a prayer at 3 pm tomorrow would be much appreciated!)  

Unredeemed by Selah is probably the song with the most emotional story behind it.  

So please bear with me as I try to make it from beginning to end of this story.

I guess I should start out with I have never shared this story with anyone.  For a long time it was just between me and God.  Our little secret.

A little background on Selah:  I have read the lead singer of Selah (Todd Smith) wife's (Angie Smith) blog since before their daughter Audrey Caroline was born and went to be with Jesus.  Angie really helped me through some tough times even though her struggles were much different than mine.  (If you ever have time, you should so read her blog from beginning to end!  She is a wonderful writer.....well actually she is an author now.  Her book "I Will Carry You" is my favorite book ever!)

She talked about her husband's new CD that was about to be released and I knew I had to have it.  All of the songs on the CD are great, but Unredeemed was always my favorite.  

Months go by.

My husband and I had made some really tough decisions.  We had decided to change fertility clinics.  That is another story for another time, but it was a big leap of faith.  It brought on a lot of change......that turned out to be wonderful change, but I did not know that at this time.  We had taken a year long break from any treatments, so getting back into the swing of things was just hard.  Trusting someone else with the one thing you want most in this world is tough.  Especially after the experience that we had just had.

Okay, so onto the story......sorry I ramble a lot.  I have 5 years worth of stuff to say and it's like it just won't stop pouring out!  Ha!  

Oh yeah.....the story.......

So my husband and I were driving (well actually he was asleep in the passenger seat riding while I was driving) home from his parents house after staying with them for one of our fertility appointments at our new RE and I was listening to my Selah CD.  I was actually listening to the whole CD not just Unredeemed on repeat.  

It was a very clear night.  

We were driving on very flat straight roads way away from any towns, so there was very little light.  I was looking up (I was still paying attention to the road...I promise) and admiring how many stars were out while I was singing my heart out to Unredeemed which had just come on.  I was asking God to just give me a sign.....just show me something so that I knew we were doing the right thing and making the right choices.......when I saw a shooting star.  That's right, a shooting star.  I am not superstitious, but I definitely wished on that star......with tears streaming down my face.  I believe that God sent me that shooting star.  

Okay, let me just share that this was the first clear sign that I have ever seen and believed was just sent from Him to me in the (at that time) 4 years of infertility.  I asked God to show me something that said everything was going to be okay, and he did.  

I have to admit I was totally convinced I was pregnant because like I mentioned earlier we were in the middle of a fertility treatment, but I'm sure you have figured out by now I wasn't pregnant.  But, I didn't ask God to give me a sign that I was pregnant, I asked him to give me a sign that we were making the right decisions and that everything was going to be okay.  He gave me that sign.  I also have to admit that I was so excited because I was going to have an awesome story to tell when I got to tell everyone I was pregnant and that God sent me that shooting star to tell me I was pregnant!  Ha!  We all know that that is not the way it turned out, but I still think it is an awesome story.  

It is still hard not to tear up every time I hear Unredeemed.   I'm not as obsessed with the song as I was, but I still listen to it every now and then to remind me that everything is going to be okay.

I hope you enjoyed the song.

Encouragement

I had a chance today to encourage a friend who I was unaware was TTC.

Okay, so the story goes like this.......

(I'm not good at shortening a story, so bare with me!)

There is a girl at my church (remember this is a VERY small church) who is about 5 years younger than me who I have gotten to know over the last year.  She and her husband are the only other childless couple at our church.  Yes you read that right.  They have not been married quite a year yet.  After meeting each other we started talking and realized we know a lot of the same people.....mainly because we were both very active in the United Methodist Youth activities while growing up and we were both in youth for a few of the same years.  

Now, I wouldn't say that she and I are necessarily close, but we do have a lot in common and we text back and forth a few times a week and thankfully this week she agreed to teach my Wednesday night preschoolers for me because I was sick!  We attended the same very large youth event growing up that happens to be this weekend that she and her husband happen to be chaperones for!  Can you say jealous!?!

So, she texted me tonight on her way to that event and says, "The church van still smells the same after all these years!"  So I text her back and we share old memories for a while, and I'm not sure how the conversation changed but she asked if my husband and I were planning on having kids anytime soon.  Not a question I enjoy answering, but one that I have gotten pretty used to!  Ha!  I have my answer memorized........"We don't have room for a baby right now.  Maybe someday!"  (Which is not a lie.....we live in a one bedroom apartment with my husband's job.  The space has never actually bothered us.  We decided 5 years ago that we would make room and just make it work.)  We are actually moving into a brand new 2 bedroom apartment (still with my husband's work) in July.  She knows this so she naturally asks "what about this summer?"  I answered that my husband and I had agreed to talk about it once we move.  Then she reveals to me that she and her husband are trying.  Actually to quote her, she says "We are trying........quite unsuccessfully, but trying."  

This broke my heart.  I remember those first few months when we didn't know anything was wrong.  It was still tough even though we weren't infertile as far as we knew.  I remember when we first got married and EVERYONE was bugging us about when were we going to have kids.  (Thankfully that has slowed down a little over the last 7 years.)  

I got the chance to write her back and let her know that that must be frustrating, but to give it time.  That I knew many people who tried for over a year before getting pregnant.  Not to let it get to her and for her not to give up.  She said thank you.  She told me it is just hard when people are "accidentally" getting pregnant all around you.  My favorite:  She says, "I hate them.  :)  Nicely of course."  I don't know that I have ever heard it put better!  Ha!  I wrote back, "Doesn't it make you sick!  Ha!"  And then the subject changed.  

Sometimes it is good to just be honest.

Sometimes (not always) I do hate them nicely!

Sometimes it does just make me sick!

But the most important part is that I got to encourage her.  God gave me that chance.

I hope this is not our last conversation about TTC.  I pray that God gives me the chance to encourage her again.

Thank you God for giving me these moments when I KNOW this journey has a purpose.....a reason.

Call from the Re's Office

Ugh.  

I am trying to not be discouraged, but this stinks!  

The Re's office called and asked for my new insurance information.  The lady who handles the insurance called me back and said that my husband's insurance (which we switched to because we were told it has infertility coverage) only covers certain diagnosis which neither my husband or I have.  

Ugh.  

Why would it only cover certain diagnosis?  

One of the diagnosis it does cover is endometriosis.  My RE has suspected that I have endo, but since IVF is our only chance at getting pregnant and the best fertility treatment for someone with endo is IVF he didn't see the point in doing the laparoscopic surgery to determine if I have endo or not.  He said the surgery will not help the IVF be more successful, and the recovery for me would not be easy. 

Not that I want to have the surgery, but I am going to talk to him about possibly doing the surgery so that maybe we can get infertility coverage so that we can do IVF.  Without the insurance coverage IVF is not an option for us.

Ugh.

I am trying not to get discouraged.

Weight Watches Update #1.....

......or no update actually.  I was really actually looking forward to going to Weight Watchers tonight to see if I had lost any weight, BUT I came down with something last night.  I'm not really sure if it is just a 24 hour bug or the flu.....both have been going around at work.  I did call the doctor's office this afternoon, and the nurse said if I still feel bad in the morning to call and make an appointment.  She told me that the doctor wouldn't just call in Tamiflu because of my respiratory issues.  She said she knew he would want to see me.  Ugh.  But, I did get my flu shot, so hopefully if it is the flu it won't last very long!

SO, even though I REALLY wanted to go tonight I didn't because it REALLY makes me mad when sick people expose me to their germs and I end up getting sick.

I don't own a scale, so the first day I get to go back to work I will weigh my self and give you guys a report.  Hopefully that will be sooner than later!

Music Monday-I would Die for That

I would die for that.  

I'm sure pretty sure that everyone who has gone though infertility feels that way about having a baby.

I will never forget the first time I went to see my OB and the tests came back and said that there was definitely something wrong and I was not ovulating.  

I was in his personal office.  

Just the two of us.

I had no idea that something was actually going to be wrong.  I had no idea that I was going to leave his office in tears.  I had no idea it was going to hurt that bad (and I didn't even know the half of it then) or I definitely would not have been alone that day.  I wish my husband had been there.
He was unbelievably supportive.....like more than any doctor should have to be.  He looked just as heart broken as I felt!

He was reading his note out loud to me as he was writing it and he said the words "my patient desperately desires a successful pregnancy."  

I remember thinking to myself, "Is it written all over my face?  Is every one going to know how bad I want to get pregnant?"  I had never spoken those words to him.  How did he know?

  The more time I spent with him, I realized he is just a very smart man!  

He deals with crazies like me everyday! :)

I guess I should explain the whole "successful pregnancy" thing.  I had recently miscarried.  Like exactly 4 months before that appointment.  I guess this would be a good time to mention that my husband and I tried for 1 month and got pregnant.  I was pregnant for 9 weeks and lost the baby.  On February 1, 2006, actually.  Our OB recommended that we wait 3 months off birth control before trying again.  Right after month 3 I started having issues.

  

This is one of those "I am so glad I didn't know then what I do now" situations.  If I knew I was going to battle infertility for the next 5 years with no pregnancies when I miscarried......that one month felt like it took forever.  Ha!  I thought that was just the way it happened.

If I knew everything that my emotions (and not to mention my body) were going to go through the next 5 years (and 3 months to be exact).....I'm afraid you would have had to commit me.  And really I'm not saying that to be funny this time.  I really mean it.  Sometimes there is a reason you can't see the future.

I am tempted to say that I don't know how my husband and I have made it through these last 5 years, but I do know.  

God's grace is how we have made it. 

Music Monday-Anyway

Martina McBride's Anyway is my choice for this week.  I really love this song......it just makes so much sense!

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good.

And when I pray, it doesn't always turn out like I think it should.

But I do it anyway.

Amen!  That is just the way life is. 

"Turn out like I think it should...."

I am a planner.  I always have been!  I love lists.  I also LOVE to mark things off my lists!  

My husband and I had OUR plan.  OUR plan was to be married for 2 years before we started having children.  In those 2 years we were going to purchase 2 vehicles that were family friendly (check), pay off some bills (check), and find a place to live with enough room for children (that still hasn't happened!  Ha!  but it IS happening this July!).  Plan # 1 and List # 1=mostly successful.

Then we were going to get pregnant in a few months, and have a very uneventful 40 week pregnancy.  A healthy baby was going to be born, and we were going to repeat the process is 2 years.  Plan #2 and List #2=unsuccessful.

(This plan sounds unbelievably naive.  Oh to be young again.) 

God's plan is very different from our plan.

We have prayed and things haven't turned out like we think they should..........But, the important part......We do it anyway.

Side note:  We even had baby names picked out before we started TTC.

(We now have 3 boy names and 3 girl names picked out.  Ha!  5 years gives you a lot of time to talk about this stuff!  Luckily we still love the first baby names we picked out and WILL use at least one of them one day.  As much trouble as we are having having the first child, I can say that is it highly unlikely that we will need all 6 names!  But it is still fun!)

Sometimes it is hard to "do it anyway."  

Sometimes it is hard to keep failing, but get back up and try again.

But I have chosen "to do it anyway!"

Totally off subject, but when searching for this song on You Tube, I came across the video below.  I baby sat Miss Hannah!  You have to listen to this video!  It is wonderful!  I think she sounds just like Martina!  Hannah recently got married and now has a newborn baby boy.  Yes, I am old!

Isn't she awesome!?!

So Far So Good.....

Well, today is day 3 of Weight Watchers and I am STARVING!  Ha!  I so don't remember this from last time.  Maybe I was so excited to know that this was going to help me get pregnant.  Maybe I was so excited because I had been trying on my own to lose weight and it wasn't happening.....and then I lost weight on weight watchers.  Maybe I could see that it was all going to be worth it.  Or, maybe I chose to forget how unpleasant starting weight watchers was because it was successful!  

I don't know.....but dude I am hungry!  Ha!

Oh, well.  I'll make it!

Some good news is I have only had one slight headache since Tuesday.  Hooray!  Yesterday my right ovary did feel like it was going to explode!  For real!  And I'm not even exaggerating.  I almost called my OB and asked if they could do an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.  I convinced myself that if it wasn't better today I would call.  Luckily it was better.

I did have a little bit of a disappointment yesterday.  My REs office called and said they had an opening come open for THIS Monday (2-21) at 9 am and wanted to know if I was interested.  Well, YES I was.  After I got a hold of the husband and his boss got out of her meeting and okayed him being off on Monday (a big day at work for him), the appointment was already filled.  Ugh.  Oh well.  I can wait one more week.  Although yesterday with my almost exploding ovary I wasn't so sure!  Ha!  Everything always works out.  Our appointment on the 28th is for 10 am, which 1 hour makes a big difference when you have to travel 3 hours to get to your REs office.  I can get up at 6 am instead of the 5am that I would have had to get up for for the 9 am appointment.  Gotta find the positives!

I want to share a little about my job.  I am bound by HIPPA (a privacy and confidentiality policy), so I am sorry if I am very vague.  I would LOVE to tell everyone so much more because I want everyone to understand just how awesome my job is!  Luckily I work with one of my best friends (and no, she has no clue I on the infertility journey) so we can chat about work without breaking any policies and that helps!

I am a social worker.  I work with children with special needs.  I have always loved children.  I had my first baby sitting job at 12, and I haven't stopped yet!  A friend of a friend worked at a child care center for children with special needs when I was in college and she heard I needed a part time job and helped me get hired.  I wasn't so sure how I was going to like it.  I had worked at a day care and a dance studio in the past, but those were absolutely spoiled rotten got everything they wanted kind of kids.  I knew I could work with them and keep their parents happy.  I wasn't so sure about these kids, but I REALLY needed a job.

It turned out to be the BEST job ever.  They worked great around my class schedule, and I really felt like I made a difference.  I liked that feeling.  Even when I went home in tears because sometimes I had done all I could do for a child, I still felt like I made a difference.  I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life.......I was a sophomore in college, had taken all the basics I could take and still needed 3 hours for the next semester.  The social worker there suggested I take Intro to Social Work.  I thought "what can it hurt.  I can use it as an elective if nothing else."  I had no idea how that would change my life!

That semester I decided to be a social worker, and I loved all of my classes!  I was so ready to be out of school so I could just work!  That social worker ended up moving on and I took her place when I graduated from college.  And here I am almost 10 years later doing the same job just in a different place.  I joke and say I have been working for 15 years and never worked any where but a dance studio or child care center!  Ha!  I don't know that I would know how to do anything else.  Just a side note, my dad always asked me to please not go into education when I went to college.  To please find something else.  He, my mom, and my sister were/are all teachers!  My grandmother even owned her own kindergarten before kindergarten was in public schools.  Education runs deep in my family.  His words to me were, "Rae, I can't believe you picked the one profession that works more hours and makes less money than teachers!"  Ha!  I told him I didn't care that I loved it and that is all that matters.  He agreed.

Anyway, back on subject.  All of the children at the center where I work have some type of Medicaid insurance.  Most forms of Medicaid (all but 1) are based on income.  I work with many (90 to be exact) low income families who have children with special needs.  We are just a day time child care center (open from 7am-4:30pm) for children 6 weeks to 5 years of age....we keep them until they go to kindergarten.  It is a multidisciplinary approach where the children have certified teachers working with them on specific goals for their development in the classroom and get pulled out of class to receive their physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental therapy.  It allows parents with special kiddos to be able to work.  We also have nurses on staff who give meds, do tube feedings, monitor children with seizures, give breathing treatments, check pulse ox, etc.  I think it is a wonderful program that I have seen be successful over and over.  I have worked for this specific facility for 6 years.  Some examples of the disabilities that the children I work with have are Autism Spectrum Disorders, Downs Syndrome (one of my personal favs), many different Genetic Disorders, Chromosomal abnormalities, Seizure Disorders, Premature babies (I love tiny babies!), children who are in the foster care system and have delays due to their environment, children whose mothers used drugs while they were pregnant, children with shaken baby syndrome, children whose parents are very low functioning so they are behind just due to genetics, children who were born without legs, children who are blind, children who are deaf, children who are in wheel chairs due to many different disorders, etc.  Okay, I know reading that list may sound sad, but it is SO NOT sad!  They are wonderful children and working with them is a joy!

My main job is to work with the families to make sure they have everything they need to care for their children.  There is a lot of assistance out there for children with special needs, and I make sure they know about it.  I tell the parents when they first meet me that the classroom teachers are there to take care of their children, but I am there to help them.  Raising a special needs child is tough, and if they don't have everything they need they will not be able to care for their children.  I also do not fun things like call the child abuse hotline on families, have to talk about the recent DNR orders they put in place for their child and what they want our procedure to be, call the police on parents who are in a fight in the parking lot, etc.

 

But, I do have to admit that I have questioned why this is what God wants me to do with my life.

Why would He want me to fall in love with this line of work and then go through infertility and want nothing more in this world than a baby and have to encounter parents every day who do not make good choices for their children, give their children up, beat their children, not love their children?????

Why???

And I have also questioned why do I continue to do this job???

How can I possibly love what I do so much when it hurts SO bad sometimes???

I don't know if I will ever know on this side of heaven.

But the thing that matters most is......I do still love it.  I love what I do.  I have to admit, sometimes I do think about my infertility while in certain situations at work, but more times not.  

Today was one of those days that I did think about it often.  We had a few staff members out and I was needed to help in out infant classroom.  This doesn't happen very often.  (But, it is my personal favorite!)  There are a few babies who are in foster care.  One in particular who is about to go back to his/her biological mother.  I wish I could share more on the situation, but just know that I would love to bring that baby home with me.  I spent a little extra time with him/her today, and the classroom teacher who I was working with has been there since the center opened years ago and is a stickler for how those babies are taken care of.  You are only allowed to hold the babies for a little while after they go to sleep and then you are to put them in their crib because there is always another baby who needs something.  I just held this baby while he/she slept today and said teacher didn't say a word about it.  (she does have a pretty big heart for these babies even though she runs a tight ship! ha!)  She did ask me if my husband and I were ever going to have kids.  I gave her the maybe some day answer.  She proceeded to tell me how great she thinks I would be with a baby.  And you know what......it didn't even hurt my feelings.  She was so sincere that I didn't even get the "think before you speak people!" feeling that I usually get.  She only has one son (who is older than me), and so she asked if we just wanted one or if we wanted more.  I told her one would be wonderful, but more would be okay, too.  The conversation ended there and soon changed to whose diaper needed to be changed next and who needed a bottle.  Every time I offered to put this particular baby in his/her crib and help she would tell me no, that she had it.  "Just hold that baby while he/she sleeps!"  

I was in heaven!

Weight Watchers

I did it.  I went back to Weight Watchers tonight.  I am happy to announce that I weigh 37 less pounds then the last time I started Weight Watchers......and drum roll please........11 less pounds then the last time I weighed in at Weight Watchers!  So, not only did I keep the weight off that I lost....I lost more.  I have to say I was a little shocked!

One of the main reasons I went back was because my RE still wants me to lose 10 pounds and my appointment is in 13 days!  HA!  At least I can tell him I have gone back.

Another reason is because I stopped going during our last round of treatments mainly because of money.  We needed every penny.  We got our tax return today, so there was no more perfect day to pay for Weight Watchers!  (Well, and I also stopped going to Weight Watchers because of stress.  I didn't really think it was in my best interest to worry about all of the shots, blood draws, ultra sounds, pills to take, etc., etc., AND keeping up with every piece of food that entered my mouth......well truthfully my husband probably would have suffered the most!  Ha!)

And the MAIN reason I decided to go back is because my PCOS is OUT. OF. CONTROL!  Since I started Metformin and BC, it is like my PCOS has been mostly in remission.  I forget I even have PCOS....well, not really.....but you get the point.  But for the last 30 or so days I have really been having problems.  See below:

PCOS Symptom #1:  Weight Gain or Inability to Lose Weight----Okay, so I know I was bragging above about how I haven't necessarily gained weight, but I was VERY surprised because I feel like I have gained weight.  My clothes are even tight.  But anyway, I have a feeling that if I had not gone back to weight watchers the scales would be showing a gain by next month.

PCOS Symptom #2:  Absent or Irregular Periods:  I can honestly say that "Absent Periods" have NEVER been a problem for me.  Periods every 14 days is more my style.  Ha!  Doesn't that sound like fun???  (That is the reason I am on BC right now.  I have now had 3 doctors advise me to either be on BC or fertility meds.  [Okay, so maybe I was a little stubborn and kept hoping by body would do what it is supposed to.  No such luck.]  There is no "trying on our own".  Which really stinks because I hear about all of these awesome stories of couples who were going through fertility treatments and took a break and got pregnant "on their own".  I have really heard more of those stories than I have heard of couples getting pregnant on fertility meds.)  ~TMI warning~But apparently if you bleed (I was told it isn't actually a period because my hormones levels don't rise and fall like they should) every 2 weeks it isn't good for your uterus and could eventually cause cancer.  Ugh.  All of that to say, I am on cycle day 14 and my body is trying to have a period.  What in the world!  I am spotting like crazy.  I also had a period that lasted for 24 hours 4 days before I started my period last month.  It wasn't just spotting.....cramps and all.  Ugh.  My body won't cooperate even on BC and Metformin.

PCOS Symptom #3:  Infertility.  Well, I think that is self explanatory.  Ha!

PCOS Symptom #4:  Excess hair growth.  Well, it is not just the cold air causing chill bumps that is causing the hair on my legs to grow like this!  Ha!  And plucking my eye brows daily is getting old!  Really, this is the most obvious indicator that my PCOS is out of control.  When it is under control I don't have to worry about excess hair growth.

PCOS Symptom #4:  Thinning Scalp Hair.  I would like to say this isn't happening, but the hair in my brush and shower say something else.  Luckily, every time before, as soon as my hormones are regulated I have had new hair growth.  Most people can't stand to have those short hairs that you can't tame sticking up......I love it because I don't want to go bald!  Ha!

PCOS Symptom #5:  Acne.  Ugh.  This was the first symptom this time.  My face, back, arms, chest all broke out before I had my one day period last month and they haven't cleared up no matter what I have done.  And believe me, I have tried it all.  I have just decided to live with the fact that if my PCOS is not under control I will break out.  Ugh.  I am broken out worse than I ever did as a teenager.  Ugh.

PCOS Symptom #6:  Ovarian Cysts.  My ovaries are definitely telling me they are there.  Not fun.

PCOS Symptom #7:  Fatigue.  Um, definitely.  I would stay in bed all day every day if I could.  For the last 2 weeks my bed has sounded wonderful to me no matter what time of day it is.  I slept 8 hours Saturday night, took a 5 hour nap on Sunday, then slept 8 hours Sunday night.  No lie.  I did feel a little better Monday morning, but by noon I was ready to take a nap.  Ha!  

PCOS Symptom #8:  Mood Swings.  Oh my.  Just ask my husband about this one.  It is like I can't control my mouth at all!  Everybody gets on my nerves!  And I am not good at hiding that they are getting on my nerves.  I always apologize in advance.  But I still feel bad!  It is like I know I am not being very nice but I can't help myself.  If you know me IRL you know this is not typically me.  I am laughing less everyday.

PCOS Symptoms specifically for me:  My blood sugar is dropping.  I am having bad headaches, and my stomach is upset a lot.  These things don't happen to me when my PCOS is under control.

So, if you are still with me.....I think that sums it up.  My diet can really affect my PCOS, so I am VERY hopeful that changing what I eat with help correct this.  I am honestly scared of what the next step is if my diet, BC, and Metformin can't control my PCOS.  Please say a prayer that Weight Watchers is the answer.  Thanks!

(I am planning on talking to my RE about all of this on my appointment date, but I would rather talk to him in person and by my appointment I will have finished this round of BC and can start fresh on a new one my next cycle if that is what he decides to change.  It will also give me 2 weeks to see if Weight Watchers helps.)

Music Monday-While I'm Waiting

I am pretty sure that Music Monday may become Music Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.....you get my point!  Ha!  Music truly has been my way to cope.  I really didn't realize how many songs had touched me until I was trying to come up with a song for this Monday, and 4 or 5 songs popped into my head immediately.  

It was a hard choice, but "While I'm Waiting" won this week!

I honestly don't remember which infertility blog that I read mentioned this song.  (Reason number 5726 I should have been blogging this journey from the beginning!  Ha!  But we won't go there.)  

I fell in love! 

This song says so much.

I admit that I have not always been hopeful.  There have been times I lost hope. 

I have not always been peaceful.  Sometimes I feel like a war is going on inside me, and add fertility drugs to that.  Wooooah!  

I have not always felt bold or confident.  

And I am pretty sure that I have not always been obedient, but this is my prayer. 

I am trying!  

I hope that at some point I can say I have hope and peace about my infertility. 
I hope I can say I feel bold and confident about my infertility. 
I really hope I can say I am totally obedient to God in my infertility. 

This song is wonderful!  Sometimes I put it on repeat.  I hope you enjoy it was much as I do.

Infertility Resume

I have seen many infertility blogs with there infertility "resume" listed.  (a list of all treatments from the day they started TTC)  I always read them.  It is very interesting to me to read what treatments they have been through and specifically breaks they have taken from treatment.  It is interesting to me how many couples switch REs.  Helps reassure me that there ARE in fact people out there going through exactly the same thing I am.

I have really thought about completing an infertility resume.....mainly just for my memory.  I had to get a copy of all of my records from my last RE for my new one when I switched, so I had good intentions of writing my resume when I got those records.  That was a year and a half ago and now my list is just longer.....

Ugh.  Why did I procrastinate?

Maybe because it is just A LOT of work to read through all of the medical jargon to figure out what treatment I got when.

Maybe it is because it will be painful to re-live all of those unsuccessful treatments.

Maybe it is a combination of both.

Okay, so I think I have just about convinced myself I AM going to do this.  I think it has the possibility to be healing.  Bear with me as I start this process......it could take a while!  Ha!  5 years of TTC can take a while to type up!

Infertility Resume

My husband and I got married in December 2003

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer in October 2005

My husband and I were planning on throwing away BC pills in January 2005

We discovered a few months could make a big difference in whether our child would meet my dad and decided to throw away the BC after I finished that round in November 2005

Positive Pregnancy Test in January 2006 at 7 weeks pregnant (I didn't test earlier because nobody gets pregnant on their first try!  Ha!)

Middle of January 2006-Beginning of February 2006=happiest 2 weeks of my life!

January 31, 2006 at 5 p.m. started bleeding.  Came home gathered what I needed, called my boss to see if her husband was on call [he is my OB], and headed to the ER.  

January 31, 2006 at 6 pm my mom calls and says my dad was admitted into the hospital and wasn't doing well at all.

January 31, 2006 my wonderful OB knows what is going on with my dad [because my awesome boss called him and told him and told him to go to the ER immediately because I was there miscarrying.  Some people are definitely put into your life for a reason!] and tells me my options but since we were leaning towards a DNC he recommends that I let him admit me over night [in case the pain got worse because it wasn't very bad] and he would put me on his surgery schedule for first thing the next morning so I could travel 3 hours to see my dad in the hospital. 

February 1, 2006 DNC

February 2006 follow-up appointment with my OB and he recommended that I not go back on BC but my husband and I not TTC for 3 months-March, April, May and begin trying again in June 2006

February 2006 My dad has surgery to remove what they thought was another tumor but ended up being scar tissue and comes home from the hospital in March 2006!  PG!

June 2006 I started having periods every 2 weeks-called OB and recommended I wait one more cycle to see if it straightens out

July 2006 first "what in the world is going on" appointment with my OB

July 2006 all the blood work begins

 

Okay, so every bit of that was straight from my memory.  Now this is where it gets hazy......I am going to have to find what I did with my copy of my records. 

At least I got started!

2-28-11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

There have been many bible verses that have been an inspiration to me through this journey, but this one stands out the most right now.  On February 28, my husband and I go back to our first appointment with our RE since he gave us the news.  The news that he thinks IVF is our only chance at a successful pregnancy.  

Ugh.  That is definitely not what I wanted to hear at that appointment, but it could have been worse.  MUCH WORSE.  He could have said we have no hope.  He really feels like we have very high chances with IVF.  I have to admit I am still very worried that the IVF will not be successful for the same reasons none of the other treatments have been successful.  The same problems we have had with treatments in the past can also affect IVF.  I will definitely be asking my RE how he can guarantee that he will keep my uterine lining from being too thin with IVF.  (That's not too much to ask, huh!?!  Ha!  Okay, so maybe this would be a good time to admit I can be some what demanding at times.  :) )  I hope he has an answer.  I don't really want to think about what if he doesn't.

I have already started my list.  My list of questions I have for him.  I am pretty sure this will probably be the longest appointment we have ever had.  I want to know everything.  I want to know what will happen day by day from the first day we start preparing my body until the day we find out if I am pregnant or not.  

I think I will feel better about the idea of IVF if I know what to expect.  I always do better if I know what to expect.  I do not really enjoy surprises.  Imagine that!?!  Ha!

Now I get to brag on my RE.  He is wonderful.  He was truly an answer to prayer!  (Thanks Sam!)  Everyone in his office is wonderful.  He is so approachable.  He explains things where I can really understand.  He explained everything I had had questions about for 4 years in one appointment.  He is an expert at PCOS.  He understand PCOS so much that sometimes when he talks about what is going on with my body I wonder if he has been there.....does he have PCOS???  Ha!  Just kidding, but for real, he gets it.  

He assures me every time I see him that this is not my fault.  He knows I need to hear that.  He is the first doctor to take the time to make sure I know that.  He assures me that there is nothing I have done that made this happen to my body.  He lays everything out for me.  He tells me exactly what he expects.  I need that.  I need a list.  A list that I can mark things off one by one.  I feel some sense of accomplishment when that is possible.  I feel like I am doing everything I can do.  That is important to me!

So, I am some what dreading my appointment and some what looking forward to it.  I am dreading it because it is going to make everything more real.  I am looking forward to it because I am hoping to get all of my questions that are floating around in my head answered. 

I have already completed my list that my RE gave me last time.  Well, most of it.  I found out that my husband's insurance has infertility coverage and IVF coverage.  At first I wanted to be sad that we have been paying out of pocket all this time and it could have been covered under his insurance.  But there is a catch.....isn't there always a catch with insurance.  There is a 15,000 dollar life time limit.  My RE quoted 11,000 to us for IVF.  If we had known about my husband's coverage we would have exhausted the life time limit years ago and would not be able to afford IVF.  Everything works out in HIS timing!  My husbands insurance had open enrollment this year, so I was able to get on his insurance!  #1=check!

I have gotten the x-ray from the dreaded hysterosalpingogram (HSG) from my last RE.  I did not have a very good experience with my last HSG, so I am really hoping my new RE does not have to repeat it, but it has been almost 5 years since I had my last one.  Everything came back normal, but I have my doubts.  I lost most of my confidence in my last RE, and he is who performed the test.  I am definitely going to tell my RE that whatever he thinks it best is what I will do.  I trust him, and if he wants to repeat it I am all for it (even though I will dread it like no bodies business!!! Ha!)  I don't want to go to all the trouble of IVF and it is not successful because of something that could have been avoided.  #2=check!

The third thing on my list is lose 10 more pounds before IVF.  I lost 40 before and during my last treatments.  My diet has pretty much gone out the window, but I am going back to weight watchers next week.  15 days before my next appointment.....talk about procrastination!  Ha!  But he didn't say lose the 10 pounds before my next appointment.......he said lose 10 pounds before I start IVF........

My personal goal is to lose another 40 before I start IVF.  I think I can do it!  #3=will be accomplished before IVF! 

I will end my rambling now.  I will definitely report back after my appointment with the plan!  I am ready for a plan.

  

There is a Reason

My husband and I are about to embark on a journey we have longed for for a long time.  I decided to start this blog to help me remember and record everything that happens in our journey through IVF.  I also hope it will give me a place to vent and help me process the roller coaster of emotions that go along with fertility treatments.  I haven't totally made up my mind if I will ever share this blog with any of my friends and family, but it might also be used one day to inform our families of where we are in our treatment and how things are going.  Maybe one day I will be able to share it with our miracle child(ren).

I decided to start a Music Monday tradition today.  Music has REALLY helped me through this process, so I would like to share a new song every Monday that has touched me in some way during our journey.  The first one I would like to share is where I got my inspiration for this blog.  I was surfing through You Tube like I often do looking for new songs I might like and I came across this title.

"There is a Reason"

It sounded very fitting for our situation, and my motto since my teenage years has always been, "There is a reason for everything."  (I'm pretty sure my friends got tired of me saying that!)  I have discovered with time that I may or may not know that reason on this side of heaven, but there is a reason.

I'm not sure the total reason that my husband and I (well I'm the one with the medical condition that causes infertility, but he suffers also) suffer from infertility, but something good has got to come from this!  

I am a very private person..... especially about things that are very important to me.  It is very hard for me to share my journey, but I have reached out to a few people I have met through reading their blogs and a few IRL (in real life) friends.  That was tough, but very rewarding!  I have a closer bond with those few friends than I ever have before. 

So I may not know all of the reasons my husband and I are going through infertility, but I have decided that maybe I am supposed to help a few people figure some of this infertility stuff out.  I am no expert, but I do know a little more than I did 5 years ago.
I do remember how lonely I felt.
I remember not knowing where to start.
I remember thinking I was the only person in the world that couldn't just get pregnant.
Maybe I can help someone not feel those things that I felt.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do.