Monday, February 21, 2011

Music Monday-I would Die for That

I would die for that.  
I'm sure pretty sure that everyone who has gone though infertility feels that way about having a baby.

I will never forget the first time I went to see my OB and the tests came back and said that there was definitely something wrong and I was not ovulating.  
I was in his personal office.  
Just the two of us.
I had no idea that something was actually going to be wrong.  I had no idea that I was going to leave his office in tears.  I had no idea it was going to hurt that bad (and I didn't even know the half of it then) or I definitely would not have been alone that day.  I wish my husband had been there.
He was unbelievably more than any doctor should have to be.  He looked just as heart broken as I felt!
He was reading his note out loud to me as he was writing it and he said the words "my patient desperately desires a successful pregnancy."  
I remember thinking to myself, "Is it written all over my face?  Is every one going to know how bad I want to get pregnant?"  I had never spoken those words to him.  How did he know?
  The more time I spent with him, I realized he is just a very smart man!  
He deals with crazies like me everyday! :)

I guess I should explain the whole "successful pregnancy" thing.  I had recently miscarried.  Like exactly 4 months before that appointment.  I guess this would be a good time to mention that my husband and I tried for 1 month and got pregnant.  I was pregnant for 9 weeks and lost the baby.  On February 1, 2006, actually.  Our OB recommended that we wait 3 months off birth control before trying again.  Right after month 3 I started having issues.
This is one of those "I am so glad I didn't know then what I do now" situations.  If I knew I was going to battle infertility for the next 5 years with no pregnancies when I miscarried......that one month felt like it took forever.  Ha!  I thought that was just the way it happened.
If I knew everything that my emotions (and not to mention my body) were going to go through the next 5 years (and 3 months to be exact).....I'm afraid you would have had to commit me.  And really I'm not saying that to be funny this time.  I really mean it.  Sometimes there is a reason you can't see the future.

I am tempted to say that I don't know how my husband and I have made it through these last 5 years, but I do know.  
God's grace is how we have made it. 

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