Monday, March 28, 2011

Music Monday-Blessings

This is my new favorite song!

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do!

I also enjoyed the video about how the song came to be.  I love learning artists' inspirations for specific songs.  Enjoy!

Hope you are having a good Monday!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Quick Weight Watchers Update

So, I am a little confused.  Last week, the lady told me I gained a pound when I weighed in.  I never looked at my little blue book that she writes in every week.  There is also a white folder that you pick up at the door that they also write your weight in every week.  I don't really know why there are 2, but I don't guess that matters.  Well, when I was waiting in line to weigh in I looked at my book and it said I stayed the same....not gained a pound.  Then I looked in the white folder and it said I gained a pound!  Ha!  BUT, 

I lost 1 pound!

Or I lost 2 pounds....I lost one pound from my weight week before last.  So I either gained a pound last week, or I stayed the same......but either way, in the end.....I LOST!  Yay!  So I am down a total of 4 pounds in 4 weeks!  Hooray!  

And, well, I haven't done wonderful at the exercising for 30 minutes 3 times a week, but I have stayed cleaning out our store room that has had the same stuff stored in it for 6 years.  Whew!  We worked from noon to 10 pm Saturday and noon to 8 pm on Sunday.  And, I vacuumed, armouralled (is that even a word?), and washed my car tonight.  I am loving this weather!!

This is Not a Road Block.....

Just a bump in the road.  I thought this was a good explanation for today.  I am supposed to be having a Sonohysterography today, but I'm not.  It would be the first step towards our IVF.  I am a little dissappointed, but not too bad. 

I was sick again last week (you will see that this is a pattern for me....especially this time of year).  I missed 2 days of work for something that I usually just would have worked right through.  I just had a sinus and ear infection, but my doctor said it was pretty bad so he wanted to try a stronger antibiotic.  Well, I had an allergic reaction to the medicine.  Yuck!  So, the jist of this situation.....I hate allergies!!  My allergies are the reason I had a sinus and ear infection, then I have an ALLERGIC reaction to the medicine that is supposed to make me feel better.  The allergic reaction was worse than the infection.  The reaction is what put me in bed for 2 days.  So anyway, since I just completed my new antibiotic that I got prescribed after having a reaction to the other one today, my RE wanted to wait until I am totally recovered before my procedure. 

And, I did not feel like I needed to miss work for something that I didn't HAVE to have done today.  I am very close to being out of days that I can take, so I would rather save those for just in case.  

And, we still don't have all of the financial stuff worked out.  My REs office is in a different state, and there is an REs office closer to us (but we don't want to go back there), so all of the insurnace and what percentage they will cover is still an unknown.  Apparently the insurance company wants you to go to the RE that is closest to you?  I don't know why that matters?  But anyway, they are working on it, but don't have a definite yet.   

So, with all of that I know this is best.  But you know, I am not wonderful with the whole patience thing.  I am much better than when we started this process, but not wonderful.

So, I will call and reschedule and I will keep you posted.

Oh, and while cleaning out our store room this weekend, I found all of the paperwork from our other RE!  Yay!  Now I can finish the "Infertility Resume" that I started forever ago!  I think I will start working on that tonight.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Music Monday-Better Than A Hallelujah

Better Than A Hallelujah

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

I really love this song!  It makes me happy, like rolling down the windows on a beautiful day, blaring the music on my car radio, singing at the top of my lungs kind of happy.  (Of course that would be by myself because I would never subject anyone to my singing!  ha.)

I hope you enjoyed it!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Really Cute Story...

So first of all I have to mention.......I am SO over feeling sorry for myself.  I feel good about it, and I am ready to do this!  (I just have those moments every once in a while, but I usually get over them pretty quickly.....especially if I will admit that I am having "a moment".  I vented to my husband last night, and now I am ready to go!)  And who couldn't get over feeling sorry for themselves after this.......

Okay, so this just made me laugh so hard I had to share it with someone......who better than you guys!

I teach the preschool class at my church on Wednseday nights.  I think I have mentioned that, but anyway, I have all girls.  There are usually 7 of them.  The weather was so pretty yesterday and thanks to DLST we had more sunlight, so I decided to take the girls outside on the playground for our lesson......and of course to let them play!  They ran and played for a while, then they all came (on their own) and sat beside me so I thought it was a perfect time to read our bible story and have our weekly talk.  Of course if you know any preschoolers it is pretty hard for them to sit still, but they do pretty good.  One of the little girls, we will call her E, leans over and passes gas pretty loudly in the middle of the story.  It was obvious that it kind of shocked her and she proceeds to giggle and say, "I tooted!"  Then all of the other little girls start giggling.  Through my giggles I say. "What do you say, E?"  ~best part of the story~ And she says, "Just a minute Miss (my name).  I have to laugh about it first!"  
And when she got through laughing she very politely said excuse me.
Oh my these girls are great!  They have no idea how much they mean to me and how good it is for me to spend an hour with them every week!   
Of course the moment was lost and I let them go play again.  Sigh.  We will try the story again next week!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Just a Thought...

So most of you know that I have another blog where I document all the fun stuff that happens in my life.  I LOVE blogging!  Most of the time.  I looked at that blog today, and it has been over a month since I blogged one fun thing that has happened.

I hate that!  I hate that I take these breaks, but it seems like when there is a lot of other stuff going through my mind.....mainly about infertility.....I just can't bring myself to blog.  I have a habit of blocking out the bad.  I was going to say "bad habit", but I don't necessarily think it is all bad to only remember the good.  It's like for some reason I don't want to remember this time.  

I did the same thing last year.  I log onto my blog.  I have all of the pictures on the computer.  I've even already added them to my facebook.  I just can't find the words.  

It's like I just want to scream into the computer, "Do you people not realize what I am going through!"  And then I remember, I really don't want everyone to know what I'm going through.  Why is that??? 
I don't know.  

I mean, I am still doing fun stuff.  I am still having fun while doing the fun stuff.  But I guess I can't make myself blog about fun stuff when I've got so much other stuff on my mind. 

There have been some pretty special days in some pretty special kiddo's lives lately that I don't want to forget.  For some reason I feel the need to narrate everything on my blog......I have to tell everyone exactly what is happening in every picture!  Ha!  I don't really know why I do that.  Maybe I will just add the pictures.  Maybe I can make myself narrate them later.

So anyway, in case you read my other blog and in case you were wondering why I haven't blogged......that is why.  It is some kind of coping strategy that I have learned along the is like I am blocking this time out of my life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Music Monday (or Tuesday)-Your Hands

I know you hate to see me cry.  One day you will set all things right.

I love this song.

I am feeling sorry for myself today, and I shouldn't be.  So I think I will keep my thoughts to myself. 

I gained a pound when I weighed in at weight watchers tonight.  Ugh.

I hope you enjoy the song.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Is Stress Causing My Infertility?

I finally read the whole folder full of information that my RE gave me.  Wow.  That was a little overwhelming, but very informative!  I feel like I am ready now.  I fell like I know what to much as possible, anyway.  I have learned with the whole infertility journey that you really never know exactly what to expect!  But I do feel much better informed.  

There was one patient fact sheet included in the folder from the American Society of Reproductive Medicine on Stress and Infertility that I thought was very interesting. One question was,
"Is stress causing my infertility?" 
Probably not.  Even though infertility is very stressful, there isn't any proof that stress causes infertility.  In an occasional woman, having too much stress can change her hormones levels and therefore cause the time when she releases an egg to become delayed or not to take place at all.

So, to all of those people who say to just relax and it will happen......there.  I wish it was just that easy.

"Is infertility causing my stress?"
Maybe.  Many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease.  (WHAAAT?  Wow.  I never really thought about it that way, but I do agree.  I think this requires a post of its own.)  Infertile couples experience stress each month:  first they hope that the woman is pregnant; and if she is not, the couple has to deal with their dissapointment.  
Dealing with the disappointment is most definitely an understatement.  I would use the word devastation, but that is just me.  But yes, I do agree.  Infertile couples do experience stress each month.  I am being totally honest here when I admit that even though I am on BC, I am disappointed when AF comes to visit every month.  I know.  Crazy right?  I can't get pregnant on fertility in the world am I going to get pregnant on birth control.  I know the reality, but it is still disappointing.
"Why is infertility stressful?"
Most couples are used to planning their lives.  They may believe if they work hard at something, they can achieve it.  So when it's hard to get pregnant, they feel as if they don't have control of their bodies or of their goal of becoming parents.  With infertility, no matter how hard you work, it may not be possible to have a baby.  (Wow.  That was hard to read.  Yes I know that no matter how hard I work, I still may not get pregnant, but reality stinks sometimes.  I do have faith that it could happen, but I do know the reality.  But, I will say that I will do everything I can do to get pregnant.  One day, if I never get pregnant, I will have no regrets.  I am willing to do whatever it takes.  That is all I can do.)
Infertility tests and treatments can be physically, emotionally, and financially stressful.  (AMEN)  Infertility can cause a couple to grow apart, which increases stress levels.  Couples may have many doctors appointments for infertility treatment, which can cause them to miss work or other activities.  
I really don't know what I will do one day when I don't have to plan everything around fertility treatments.  I cannot even begin to list the "activities" my husband and I have missed due to fertility treatments.  We are sort of planning a vacation for March 2012.  I say sort of because it all depends on how IVF goes.  

And work.......luckily my husband and I both have VERY understanding bosses who know our situation and really want to see us become parents.  I went to my boss (who is the only person at work who knows that we are doing the fertility treatment thing) the day after my appointment and let her know our plan.  I let her know that it is going to be 8 weeks of the unknown.  I told her I may not know even a day in advance if I will need to miss the next day.  And she says okay.  With no hesitation.  8 weeks of being off work a lot.  And she just says okay.  Wow.  What a blessing.  And it may not seem like a big deal, but I have been doing fertility treatments for all but 7 months of the 6 years I have worked there.  And she has been unbelievably understanding the whole time.  And my husband's boss.....oh my, I love her!  She has been wonderful from the beginning!  As the RE says to my husband, "I really only need you one day."  (Gotta love him!)  But my husband's boss knows that he wants to be involved.  She knows that he does not want to send me 3 hours away by myself for a process that isn't necessarily enjoyable.  And she does everything she can to help work things out where he can go with me as much as possible........which with his job is not always easy. 

So anyway, I just found this sheet to be very interesting and I wanted to share it.

I Just Have To Share.....

this blog with you!  ( this is the link )  I have been following Megan, Brent, and Cohen's story since Megan found out about Cohen's congenital heart defects when she was pregnant with Cohen.  Sadly Cohen passed away at 11 days old.  Megan is a wonderful, inspiring blogger!  

Megan and I have a lot in common.  She is from a town about an hour from where I grew up, she has a Boston Terrier who she loves dearly, she has endo and PCOS, she is just a few years younger than me, and we are big fans of the same football team!  We have emailed back and forth a few times, and yall, she is so sweet!  She sent me an email on Monday to respond to one I sent her.....and she told me that she was pregnant.  She said she knows how tough pregnancy announcements can be, and she was hoping it would help if I got the announcement in an email from her and instead of reading it on her blog!  She warned me that she planned to go internet public with the pregnancy this week.  How sweet is that!?! 

You just have to go and read her big news!  It truly is a is more than just that she is pregnant, but I don't want to give it away.  You have to go read!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Weight Watchers Update

I actually made it to the Weight Watchers Meeting tonight, and 
I lost 3 pounds!    

Okay, so that may not seem like much to lose in 3 weeks, but I have to be honest.......I have eaten a lot of things that are not in my "diet".  I am REALLY trying to make a life style change and not just go on a diet to lose weight.  I am counting my points and eating what I should for my normal 3 meals a day, BUT if we go out to eat or I go to a wedding shower or a party (which I have been to a million of all 3 of these in the last 3 weeks) I am eating what I want......not going crazy, but eating what I want.  Just a few examples, in the last 3 weeks I have had cheese dip and chips, a piece of cheese cake, smoked mozeralla fonduta from Olive Garden (a big bowl of cheese and bread), a big mac with no lettuce and no meat (don't ask), 2 slices of cheese pizza, some b-b-q and french fries, sausage balls, "breakfast for supper" potluck at church, a roll with cinnamon butter from Texas Roadhouse, bacon and cheese bagel from McDonald's for breakfast, and I am sure there is more.    

It was VERY encouraging that I can splurge a few million times and still lose weight.  I am really learning what I should and shouldn't eat.  I know it is different for everyone, and I am really trying to learn my body.   Of course, cutting down MAJORLY on my carbs and sugar helps a lot.  That is part of PCOS.  But, one trick I have learned is that my body really needs fruit, and lots of it.  It seems that if I eat some fruit with some of the things that might not be so good for me, I still feel better.  That is really the point.  YES, I want to lose weight to help me get pregnant, but I really want to feel better.  I want to be more healthy!  Not just so I can get pregnant, but for the rest of my life.  YES, losing weight to help me get pregnant was my first motivation, but now, I want to do this for me, too.     

So, I am going to try to splurge a few million less times this week and see how I do.  Saturday is the only day this week that I have something planned where I won't be able to eat at home, so I am hoping this will help.  The last 3 weeks were CRAZY, but this week I will get to spend more time at home.   And, I am really going to try to start exercising this week.  My goal for now is 30 minutes 3 times a week.  I have to start some where.     

I will report back next week and let you guys know how it goes!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Appointment Recap

Finally!  Wow, this has been one crazy week!  This is the first night I have been home before 11 pm all week!  This girl is not used to that!  I threw a wedding shower after work today, but I am home and it isn't even 7 pm!  Hooray!

So, I am going to take the time to write this before I forget everything that was talked about at the appointment.  My husband and I had an awesome day!  The city where my REs office is is much larger than where we many more restaurants and shopping centers/malls to choose from!  Even though my appointment wasn't until 3 pm we decided to go spend the whole day before our appointment doing what else, but shopping and eating!  We had such a good time!

There was some construction on the interstate on the way to the REs, so we left the mall a little early to make sure we got there on time, and we were 30 minutes early!  If you know me IRL, you know that never happens.....I'm always late.  We sat in the car for a minute, and then we decided to just go on in in case he had a cancellation or was ahead of schedule so we could go ahead and get started.  (I promise this is relevant to the story.)  We filled out some paperwork and updated some information.  I have to point out that we have not been there since August, and when I walked up to the front desk the administrative assistant says hello and calls me by name.  And she wasn't sitting at her desk so it wasn't because she looked at the schedule. 
 She actually recognized me and called me by name.  Reason #5782 that I love my REs office.

We were taken back to a room at about 3:15.  You know the drill......I had to be weighed (I had lost 13 pounds since my last appointment!  Hooray!  I had met one of my goals and didn't even know it!  AND the doctor acknowledged it and told me I was doing a great job!), BP taken (it was normal) ask the normal questions, etc.  Then the nurse left us in one of the consultation rooms.  My husband and I recently got iphones, and are still amazed by them!  So we played each other in a few games, and laughed a lot.  I looked at my phone and it said 4:15.  I thought WHAAA?  We have never had to wait that long there.  

So we listened and we didn't hear any body.  I thought oh my, they forgot about us and left!  Ha!  I opened the door and looked around, and I saw one person.  She was cleaning.......I am not kidding!  I stepped back in the room and was telling hubby what I saw, and I hear a door open and shut and my RE say "Why didn't you tell me I have a patient here?"  (Not very happily, I might add)  (He must have heard me open and close the door.)  And I hear a nurse not very nicely tell him she tried to call him 4 times and she thought someone else had taken care of that.  She not very nicely told him that she thought he knew.  That was not a good move nurse!  Woah!  My husband and I were cracking up......very softly because we didn't want them to hear us because we could sure hear everything that was going on!  Ha!  The doc said a few things and the nurse changed her tune very quickly and started apologizing.  I heard him tell her to come to his office.  

A few minutes later his PA came in our room (who is also a nurse and she did one of our IUIs.  I LOVE her!).  But I have to admit I was kind of disappointed.  I was thinking surely we didn't wait months for this appointment and drive all of this way to see the nurse.  But I quickly realized she was coming in just to check on us and apologize for the wait.  We could here the doctor in his office with the nurse who messed up!  Ha!  I wanted to go tell him that we were okay and hadn't even realized what time it was.  I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to chew her out, that it was okay and that we weren't upset.......but I decided that wasn't a good idea.  We talked to the PA for a while.  Of course, she remembered us, too.  She said I don't know if you remember me or not, but I did one of your IUIs.  Of course I remembered her!  Anyway, it just still amazes me how good they are at their job. 
She asked what all we wanted to talk to the doctor about, so I listed the 3 major things:  1) My PCOS is OUTA control.  2)  I brought the actual x-ray from my HSG (ouch!) for the doctor to see.  Am I going to have to have another one before we do IVF?  3) We definitely want to do IVF (we weren't sure the last time we left the doctor's office) and we want a time line.  (like how long does one IVF start from start to finish and what all if going to order.....from beginning to end.  She giggled and did a very good job summarizing the whole process.  She then brought me a whole folder of information to read while we waited for the doctor......I still haven't finished reading it.) I am now on my husband's insurance that has IVF coverage, am I going to have to have lap surgery so the doctor can "for sure" diagnose me with endo so we can get IVF covered by insurance since PCOS is not?  So, she left to go fill the doc in and he came back to see us.

His #1 was NO WAY am I doing surgery on you that will not be easy for you to recover from JUST to prove to an insurance company that you have endo.   He looked through his notes and had written at our last visit that he "strongly suspected" that I have endo, and he said since that was before I changed insurance companies that "they should no I mean they will take that because they can't say I am just saying you have endo to get the IVF covered."  I LOVE him!  I wanted to jump over the table and hug him!  He said he would send them whatever he had to to get it covered.  He said that the ladies in the office would start working on everything and get back to me if there were any problems.  ~Please pray there are no problems getting the IVF covered!

His #2 was that he would look at the x-ray later, but NO I do NOT have to have another HSG because "I don't care about your tubes.  I just need to see your uterus and make sure everything looks good."  So, I am having a Sonohysterography.  (here is a link).  The doctor and the nurse assured me that it is not near as bad as the HSG.  The nurse explained that it wasn't going to be much different from an IUI (which kinds painful for me....more so than most.  My stuff just isn't where it is supposed to be and my uterus is very tilted.  But, I will have hope that it will not be too bad.)  Then I asked when this needed to be scheduled for and he said, "Lets do it".  His nurse and I both looked at him like he was crazy.  We thought he meant like now.  He giggled and said "I mean lets do it the first Tuesday afternoon you can."  She said "okay, we will get it scheduled before she leaves today."  Woah!  That was fast!  He said he wanted to take a look around since I have having a lot of pain and make sure everything is okay.  It is scheduled for Tuesday, March 22 at 2 pm.  ~Please say a prayer that everything goes okay!

His #3 is that he is surprised that my PCOS was totally under control for more that 6 months without me having an episode.  He said that it is totally normal.  He said from my symptoms he is sure my ovaries are full of cysts, but to just keep doing what I'm doing and it will get better.  Why is he so smart????  HA!  It is already better this week.  I started a new pack of the same kind of BC, and I already feel better.  He said this will just happen sometimes.  (very large sigh)  Oh well.  I guess I will learn to deal with it......I don't think I have another choice.

He informed me that laser hair removal was the only way to get that symptom totally under control.  Ha!  I told him I know that but we have more important things to spend our money on right now.  He said too bad we I can't get insurance to cover that!  Ha!  He was very interested to hear that when my PCOS is under control that after I wax the hair grows back blonde, but if it is out of control it grows back dark.  Of course he said that wasn't normal (what about my body is) but he thought it was pretty cool that being on BC turns me blonde.  Then he made a joke about "that is about right, BC turns you blonde."  And his nurse rolled her eyes at him and we all laughed.  (He really is a pretty funny guy and has a great bedside manner.  You don't find this often in extremely brilliant people, but I am very glad!)

After seeing him we talked to the lady that is the head financial person.  I have one piece of paper that I need to fax her.  She explained how all the finances work and what we should expect to pay with insurance and stuff.  Of course it may change because she still have stuff to do before she knows for sure.  She was wonderful and SO helpful and informative.


I joked with my husband while we were listening to the doc chew out that nurse about forgetting about us that maybe we would get a free IVF out of this!  Ha!  I wish!  But really, it is so frustrating.  We get by just fine, but we don't have thousands of extra dollars laying around that we can just pay for this with.  Our HOPE is to begin the process in June.  The reality is it will probably be November.  But, we are still going to have HOPE that it could be June.  And man, the financial part of this is SO complicated.  The Doctor is one person we pay, then we pay the lab (because it isn't the same the same building, but not the same place), then we pay the surgery center for the retrival (also in the same building), then we pay the pharmacy for the millions of medicines.  Whew!  Some file insurance for you while others we have pay up front and file the insurance ourselves.  Oh my!  Good thing I am pretty organized so I can keep up with all of this stuff!

So, we have a plan........but one thing I have learned with infertility is that plans can always change.  I do have hope that the plan whether it is plan A, plan B, Plan C, etc, it will be the perfect plan!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

RE appointment Recap Coming Soon...

My appointment we good yesterday.  I think we have a plan.  But, we got home really late last night, and I had a very busy night tonight.  So, I plan to take time to blog the whole appointment recap tomorrow.